thoughts

I'm so bored- man I hate being ill you can't do anything- grrfffmmmpff. I'm just hanging around and survive because of the widget games here at Myspace- isn't that sad?

I hope it will be better once I am healthy again, I can walk and start writing. I really miss it, it's so sad and disturbing for me. Since I went off to Kyoto in 2007 I couldn't do it anymore, sometimes I really, really badly miss the time before I went to Japan for the first time, although I didn't want to be how I was at that time anymore. Had been a really rough time for me- some of you know very well, but it changed me and in my opinion it is the best for me and maybe only due to the change I am able to get what I want in the future. I will see. But nevertheless it is hard and I really, really miss all the time before, the meeting with my old, lost friends, the writings, the talks, the meetings on weekends. Had been a wonderful time and I god damn miss it and wished it could be like that before- but I have done enough, although sometimes I wanted to grab pen and paper and write letter to all my friends of that time.

That's the problem with too much time, you start thinking and thinking again. I know I am not an easy person, I'm a handful one could say, so maybe it is better this way. You know I don't want to be annoying and clinging and well I have a little pride myself- I have done enough and it is time they put down the walls and thorns under which they are hiding before me. But on the other side I am thinking, what if they are afraid to do it now and waiting for a sign of me? My last sign had been over a year ago. Sometimes I wish to turn back time until that point,maybe it wouldn't happen again.

So the question remains, why life is so complicated when you grow up? It had been much easier as a child than now.

So my advise to all who are planning to go uproad, it could cost you the thing most dearest to you. The only thing that really mattered at that time were my friends and at the moment I had been sitting inside the plane to Dubai (then from Dubai to Osaka) I wanted to go back, to run out of the plane back to what I had loved most- my friends. But I hadn't had any choice left, so I cried inside the plane all the time as if I knew that they wouldn't kept their promise that they will still be there after the 5 months.

But in the end it took 2 awful months with mobbing, troubles, loneliness and psychologic illness in Kyoto to lose everything, well in a way only 6 weeks and some weeks silence before I truly lost them. So consider long what you are doing and always be aware that if you go, it could cost you your loved ones.

I don't know what I would do, sometimes I think I wouldn't go because then I wouldn't have lost them, but sometimes I think what happened let me grow so much I would do it again. Or maybe I am always doing the wrong things, or maybe they seem wrong but in the end, when the threads got loose I will understand why it had to happen that way and no other way, because without I wouldn't get what my heart and soul really, truly and most dearly wants.