自力更生

自力更生 (jirikikôsei) means self help, redemption in one's own right. Literally meaning strength by myself and rebirth or regeneration.

These last weeks I wanted to find a way how to cope with these special moments, where I lost myself in desperation. I have tried many things and some helped, but only for the moment and not all the time- in Harry Potter words- it hadn't been strong enough to create a corporal patronus.

The funny thing is, that all the time I have already known about my 自力更生. Long time ago, in summer 2005 I had a very hard time, the reasons won't matter anymore, but it had been a time of desperation. Before the certain event I had ordered some dvds of the Japanese artist Gackt after my first introduction to him through Malice Mizer- a Japanese Visual Kei band, which he left in 1999. The dvds had arrived some days after the event. The moment the first song had been performed on screen I had gone through a transformation, all the bad thoughts had been swept away and started to be happy again, but it also gave me strength to do things by myself and change a lot in my life. 

All these years I had followed Gackt's activities to a certain amount, but never considered myself a Gackt fan until one friend of mine, to whom I told this bout of laughter, and said, noooooooooo you aren't a Gackt fan, you simply happen to have all his albums, all his dvds,  fotobooks and magazines with him, went right away to his concert in Bochum, and talking about him now and then, defending him when someone is saying bad things about him and much more., even thinking of a tattoo... but you`re right you aren't a Gackt fan.
Yeeeeesss, seems I didn't acknowledge this certain matter- to be honest, I also had a Gackt calender once and wanted to dedicade my first book to him..... funny how one is looking at some stuff. ;)
Well back on topic- when that certain friend and I had been in Japan, doing Working Holiday, the beginning had been a rough time- especially about finding a job, and I had felt very bad and worthless, my friend wanted to cheer me up, and so I got the pick on a night's dvd and I said, I know that you don't like Gackt so much, but he always cheers me up- so we watched one of his live dvds, which I had taken with me to Japan. Immediately he swept away the bad thoughts and I felt better and some days later I had found a job :).

But I simply had forgotten about this matter, it had been a pure coincidence, or maybe destiny that I wanted to see one of his concerts recently- and bamm.... my world turned bright again. Today I told my therapist about him and that I have found my 自力更生 at last.

It's not only his voice or his music, it's everything together, that he is such a kind person, that he has emotional problems as well, that he wants to give his fans, his Dears, strength to carry on until they are going to reach their goals, live their dreams. During his first tour as a solo artist, Mars Tour, in 2000, he has written a long prologue and and epilogue,broadcasted on the dvd and vhs release, in which he said that, when people are carrying on thanks to his music- then he will be accomplished as an artist.- Maybe that's why I feel what I feel through his music, maybe I will never know, but what is important is that it helps to turn on the light in the darkest night- and that:

If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.
~ Gackt

A special song of him- Returner- 闇の終焉 (yami no shuen (demise of darkness in English)):

咎

咎(toga) is one of the Japanese word for guilt, but in it's verb version 咎める(togameru) also meaning to blame, feeling guilty, it's a traditional Japanese verb, rarely used today, part of Bungo- classical Japanese.

In one of my recent entries I have talked about guilt, and it seems to be an important factor in my life. I have always taken the blame for things happening, I took the responsibility all the time no matter what had happened and have even punished myself for it. Thinking I had done something wrong, that I am to blame for the events. But very important is- even when you are feeling guilty, it doesn't mean it's your fault nor that you have to be punished for it.

Last week I wanted to stop therapy, as I felt so bad about it, now I will continue and I realized how many people are out there, who really care for me. They have helped me so much last week with their words and actions, so much I can't say thank you often enough. I love you. It had been a really hard week, but also a week of awareness of a special sort. I realized that it isn't always me, who is to blame. It's not my problem when people are not able to cope with me. It will be a long road to go until the message really sinks in- naturally, it could take years, but the most important step is the realization- and that's what had happened the last days. I wanted to thank one dear friend of mine, who had helped me to see clear, that I had already given myself all the answers of the questions, I got, but haven't noticed yet. Thank you!

Feeling Lost

Today is a day, which is very complicated for me. I had a panic attack tonight. I was watching one of D'espairs Ray's Live DVDs and had been totally happy that day- but.... well yes but.... I had been planning to go to the Sukekiyo concert on 21st September in Bochum, although I had a phase in which I didn't want to go anymore, recently I had been full of anticipation and wanted to go. Well- but... the mean but.... while watching the DVD I had been thinking of the incoming concert and from one moment to the other I had a really bad panic attack, I could hardly breathe, crying a lot.... and I realized I can't go. At the moment it would be too much for me, the assembly of strangers in one room, all the emotions and mostly unkind Kyo-fangirlies, strange men.... I just can't go. It had been really bad in April, when I went with a friend to a Subway to Sally concert, but compared to now it had been nothing in April....
The whole day I feel really bad, close to crying by just thinking of the concert. The same goes for the baptism of my nephew a week after the concert- I won't attend either. Guess my brother will be totally mad at me, but I remember the baptism of my niece 3 years ago, it ended with me crying in bed for many hours. I think something has triggered me then, I assume it's my sister in law's father's appearance. He is a very kind man, but well.... you know.

I cried the whole night until 6 in the morning, before I finally went to sleep. I had a very strange dream. I dreamt of going with my parents and sister to my cousin, who has married to the USA in 2009, she lived in a strange village near the sea. A huge stairway were going up a cliff coast. I had been a cold winter day with lots of snow and ice on the beach, a frozen sea. My family wanted to climb the stairs as my cousin lived on the top, first I didn't want to go, as I were thinking you will never made the way up that stairs, but in the end after I while I followed my family, it had been hard and exhausting, but in the end I arrived much earlier than I thought I would, as I needn't to climb up to the very top in the end- then I woke up with a cramp in the calf. ;)- I thought about this dream the whole day and now I came to the conclusion it means that all my efforts will finally come to a happy end, it will be exhausting and sometimes I want to give up, but in the end I can get through and will reach the goal much faster than I thought I would. The snow and the ice is symbolizing me, my soul.... many years ago I had a dream of a vacation with my mother and sister, in which I ran away from them, outside to a huge frozen field full of destroyed snow men, their heads were missing, some other parts had been loopsided a.s.o., I ran through the field, but it never ended. To me it now makes senses, it shows a part of my soul. Usually my soul had been a sea or a world of colourful crystal mountains during astral projections. Guess that's what it would be, what it's true form is like, but atm I'm trapped in a frozen 'mine' field and I have to climb stair for stair to get out of it.

I feel so lost and alone.... everything appears so cold, the words of my friends and family, and it hurts so much. Again I wish to be dead to get away from the mess...