The high cost of psychological illness

Today hasn't been the first day I thought about the cost of being psychological ill. I have often thought about it, and well one thing is certain- people who aren't suffering the same stuff, could never fully understand you. They could try of course, but well as hard as it sounds- they can never fully understand. Thinking about it, reminded me of something I told one interviewer from a research study- during my first study I had been part of one- well I volunteered- it had been about students from non academic families. I've said that my feelings concerning my family had been like watching them through a glass house. As much as I love them, I'm going away from them- to some place, where they can't follow, as they missing the same experience and I could never go back. Now it's the same about my trauma and with the people I love. It seems like they can't follow me. I have a very, very dear friend, who experienced abuse like me during childhood- we are talking a lot about it, as we are both in therapy at the moment. Maybe it sounds dramatic, but honestly I'm very happy about it- that I have someone I can trust and talk to, I wouldn't know what to do without her at the moment. I love you.

My dear friends, naturally you can try to understand me, try to imagine what I have gone through- but the horror of the whole thing- you can only guess. Maybe it sounds a bit arrogant or over dramatic, I would understand if you were thinking such thoughts. But it`s true. Abuse, rape and similar delinquencies do something horrible to you- one can hardly explain. You are full of fear and even the slightest touching can be a nightmare, you are mistrusting almost anyone, your body is trembling inwardly all the time- often disguised by a lovely smile. Even the most harmless situation can give you the creeps. Situations, which are natural to everyone else, like being alone with a fellow student in one classroom, or entering a concert hall filled with many men, or even going to the doctor or being alone with your brother or father. I had always been a terrible child once my mother and sister are going out for an evening- leaving me alone with father and brother. Of course nothing ever happened, but for me it had been hell. I were crying and even hid the tickets for 'Cats', so my sis and mother couldn't go. In the end I had shown them the hideaway and they reached merely the theatre in time. I even had problems with entering the bath tub after my brother or father had been in it for many years. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and father very much, but well they are male.... and that's all it takes to set off a whole bunch of reactions I can't control. With Asian men it is different, I have been told that this is due to the fact that Asian people have totally different eye shapes and face lines than European and African people, these eyes, these faces will never trigger what the other races will trigger. They would never remind me of what has happened. This also explains why I had felt so comfy in Japan. I have never been afraid when spending time or just meeting them on the streets or in trains with Japanese men, I had been very shy, especially when I liked them, yes, but not scared. I needed my time with them, once it came to sexual things, so when meeting Takahiro I wanted my friend to join me on the first date, but that had been all. I had never been afraid when spending time with him, I liked his touch and his kisses. I liked their looks, when I had been passing by. But every touch or look of the same sort from European or African men gives me the creeps. So well it seems like I have to marry an Asian guy ;).

My therapist explained it by comparing what had happened with a mirror, my brain tried to erase the memory like smashing a mirror, but the pieces are still there- deeply buried in my brain. Simple things like a look, a smell, a colour, a sound or anything else is marked on a single mirror shard. Seeing, feeling, smelling....  one of the things triggers and is evoking a strong declining reaction or emotion like crying heavily from one moment to the other.

To protect you, the brain is building a lot of walls, building an inner fortress. It can be that your body is putting on weight- as a visible armor, other are going the other way and the body can't put on enough weight. Anorexia, bulimia or adiposity are in that case merely an attempt of your brain to protect you. The whole stuff isn't done consciously, the body is doing it on it's own accord. In a way those diseases are just a way to show that something is wrong, a cry. In most cases doctors and family try to heal only the symptoms- diets for example, but naturally nothing is helping for long. In most cases these attempts to help you, worsens the whole thing. You are feeling like something is wrong with you, that you have to change something to please your family or friends. You feel worse and anorexia or adiposity is getting more and more terrible. It's a vicious circle. Many people are losing one's grip- sometimes it can even cause suicide. I have had such thoughts myself very often. I've never attempted it, for me it ended in self-mutilation- border line syndrome. I scratched 'hate' into my skin many times, luckily I didn't have any razors, so the wounds hadn't been really deep- I had used nail scissors, but some scars remained- now hidden by a tattoo.

Giving the memory space, like it is needed to hopefully lose the trauma, is very, very hard- and often very difficult for the people, who are close to you, I know. At the moment I'm afraid of losing some friends, for whom it is too hard to take me at the moment, which make me think that something is wrong with me. As much as I like to be who I had been a while ago, I can't, so please, please understand or try to understand why I don`t want to stay overnight or don't want to meet you on some days. I still love you very,very  much, but it is so hard and I don't feel strong enough to stay away from home, my save haven at this moment. I want to go, but I can't. And I don`t want to lose you.

Remembrall

Today had been a very hard day for me, to be honest it started about a week ago, after therapy, I turned to be a troubled sleeper. A very dear friend of mine told me, that's because of processing the whole thing. My mind is restless due to therapy- well she had been right. Today I got a piece of what happened a long time ago, and what caused the whole dilemma. You already know of my fear of men- well I thought for a long time, that something must have happened, something that had been erased from my mind for a long time, but what caused the fear, the weight problem- I wanted to be unattractive for men, as if the fat is some armor, which protect me from them. I often thought during classes well in case some rapist are entering the classroom, they would have never chosen me.
In 2006 I met a girl, who turned to be a very good friend of mine for a while, at that time, I was almost happy with my weight, but after a while I gained weight again- I always wondered why, but now I guess I have the conclusion, she told me about her abuse during childhood and also men showed a lot of interest in me- I guess that had been too much, I wanted my safety armor again.

Well today, it started:
All had been dark- black, a pure blackness, unnatural blackness surrounded my view, out of this blackness a face, a male face appeared, the face of my sports teacher from elementary school. during therapy last week I realized that the whole thing must have happened between 2nd and 4th grade, I had been thinking about him on Saturday at first after a long time, when I remembered that my mother told me- I had been out of elementary school for a while at that time, that my sports teacher had been accused of abuse- he must have found a way out of it, as he still teaches at that school. (he had been a young teacher during my time) He must have come back to the school, as for a while he had not taught at this school. What had been quite interesting is, that I can remember all my teachers faces, not perfectly of course, but I can- except his face, whenever I tried to, I merely saw a man with an empty, black face.
Tonight I remembered his face, when he were grabbing at me out of the blackness. - I woke up with a scream, my whole body trembling, I could barely breathe, tears were running out of eyes- and I knew!
I immediately had to turn on the lights, although it had morning already, and not very dark in my room and grabbed one of my dolls (Mana) to calm me down. It helped a bit. I lit a lavender incense stick and brew me chase devil/ St. Johns wort (Hypericum perforatum) tea- I needed it to bring me down. I couldn't sleep for a while, but in the end the tea and the incense brought me some more sleep.

Unfortunately I had to work today, I managed and I think it had been good in the end, as one of colleagues talked to me about her daughter, who went through abuse during vocational school, she gained a lot of weight as well and started therapy some weeks ago- and when she told me, I told her today about this, and it had been good, and I feel safe with her knowing about that.

The girl inside II

Today my therapist and I talked about sense and emotions in my life, meaning what gives me a good feeling in my life. These last days, during the long weekend I realized what really is of importance for me: J-Rock- my bands and everything that is connected to it like fashion, Japan, music in general. The happiest years of my life so far had been the years 2005-2010- although there had been some very hard times- my friends will know of what or better whom I am speaking- but even when considering these things, it had been a splendid time. My therapist asked me today when it started and I realized it began with the concert of Dir en grey in 2005. I started to listen to their music some months before the news of the Berlin concert, when I got the newsletter from Neotokyo about it, I knew immediately that I wanted to go to the concert. I had never attended a concert before, I had been afraid and no band made me wish to see them live before, but nevertheless I wanted to go. A friend of mine, who introduced me to Dir en grey through our RPG, joined me for the concert, but I would have gone to Dir en grey anyway. The upcoming concert made me think about costumes, fashions and other stuff, I wanted to do all my life- now I found the courage to do it. I dyed my hair black with blue highlights, wore the fashion

I wanted to wear- well you can imagine. The Dir en grey Berlin weekend had been really wonderful and made me wish to do it again and again. By end of the summer I went through a really difficult time, crying a lot, but the opportunity of going to several concerts gave me strength. I went to see Mucc in Hamburg- I didn't know the band earlier, but when Tatsurou started to sing it had been like he was screaming out what I felt at that time, all the pain and fear went away while he had been singing. Especially 'Kuchiki no tou' released everything inside. Although things remained the same, now I have found a way to compensate. The same month I went to Astan Festival in Münster and planned a trip to Munich for D'espairs Ray & Kagerou. The trip had been gorgeous and I met the band, which turned to be my favourite- D'espairs Ray. J-Rock changed me and my life, I finally could be myself. In the end J-Rock lead to my change in study- I finally changed it to Japanology and even applied for a study opportunity in Japan in 2006. I met new friends through different ways, went to many concerts in Germany. Dir en grey, Moi dix Mois, Kagerou, The GazettE.... especially Mana had been and still is very important to me. He is kind of a mentor to me. 

My life changed a lot and finally had been in order, I felt happy with my weight (after a diet), wore what I liked, started a new job, a new study, traveled a lot.

I often visited a friend in Bremen and we started our 'Schmachtabende' (kind of difficult to translate), we spend evening and nights with watching concerts or movies like 'Moon child'. Many weekends we spent time with our concert dvds, talking, writing RPGs and enjoying handsome men on screen ^^. My friend worked for an university radio, so she introduced me with interviews and such stuff with the musicians- oh we had a lot of fun doing them ;). Usually I had been afraid of men, but these guys didn't scare me off- I felt save being around them, no fears of being molested or worst awoke in me at any time. It's still like that- I am suspicious any time a European or African man approaches me, I blog myself away and have no interest in them- I rather wish they would

leave me alone, but well with Asian guys, it's different.

In 2007 I made many more journeys and in the end went to Japan the first time. My study time in Kyoto had been darkened by many personal affairs, especially by who I thought had been my best friend, but also by a girl from the group. Again J-Rock gave me the strength to carry on. I went to as many concerts as possible, I enjoyed being in Japan and being part of that culture. Every concert was like being home and with friends. During Working Holidays J-Rock had been a great part of our lives as well. We went to many concerts, met bands, did interviews and so on....
Well this weekend when watching 'Nameless Liberty Six Guns' as research for one of my Minimee dolls, I finally understood that this music, this culture is really important for me. It still gives me strength and maybe even the fact that I have sold all my other dolls, as I weren't satisfied with them, but

kept my Minimee dolls and love them, is part of that. Well finally I knew what is important to me and what I need to do to reach my goals. I need this music, this bands and these guys ;). Other concerts have never gave me what J-Rock concerts gave me. It seems like J-Rock is home to me-well at least in a way. I need concerts, music, 'Schmachtabende' with my friends, my Minimee dolls, my special styling and fashion to be myself and be happy! And maybe my dream will come true, that  I am able to live in Japan again, working there and well maybe even found a man to love and to be loved.