Remembrall

Today had been a very hard day for me, to be honest it started about a week ago, after therapy, I turned to be a troubled sleeper. A very dear friend of mine told me, that's because of processing the whole thing. My mind is restless due to therapy- well she had been right. Today I got a piece of what happened a long time ago, and what caused the whole dilemma. You already know of my fear of men- well I thought for a long time, that something must have happened, something that had been erased from my mind for a long time, but what caused the fear, the weight problem- I wanted to be unattractive for men, as if the fat is some armor, which protect me from them. I often thought during classes well in case some rapist are entering the classroom, they would have never chosen me.
In 2006 I met a girl, who turned to be a very good friend of mine for a while, at that time, I was almost happy with my weight, but after a while I gained weight again- I always wondered why, but now I guess I have the conclusion, she told me about her abuse during childhood and also men showed a lot of interest in me- I guess that had been too much, I wanted my safety armor again.

Well today, it started:
All had been dark- black, a pure blackness, unnatural blackness surrounded my view, out of this blackness a face, a male face appeared, the face of my sports teacher from elementary school. during therapy last week I realized that the whole thing must have happened between 2nd and 4th grade, I had been thinking about him on Saturday at first after a long time, when I remembered that my mother told me- I had been out of elementary school for a while at that time, that my sports teacher had been accused of abuse- he must have found a way out of it, as he still teaches at that school. (he had been a young teacher during my time) He must have come back to the school, as for a while he had not taught at this school. What had been quite interesting is, that I can remember all my teachers faces, not perfectly of course, but I can- except his face, whenever I tried to, I merely saw a man with an empty, black face.
Tonight I remembered his face, when he were grabbing at me out of the blackness. - I woke up with a scream, my whole body trembling, I could barely breathe, tears were running out of eyes- and I knew!
I immediately had to turn on the lights, although it had morning already, and not very dark in my room and grabbed one of my dolls (Mana) to calm me down. It helped a bit. I lit a lavender incense stick and brew me chase devil/ St. Johns wort (Hypericum perforatum) tea- I needed it to bring me down. I couldn't sleep for a while, but in the end the tea and the incense brought me some more sleep.

Unfortunately I had to work today, I managed and I think it had been good in the end, as one of colleagues talked to me about her daughter, who went through abuse during vocational school, she gained a lot of weight as well and started therapy some weeks ago- and when she told me, I told her today about this, and it had been good, and I feel safe with her knowing about that.