The girl inside II

Today my therapist and I talked about sense and emotions in my life, meaning what gives me a good feeling in my life. These last days, during the long weekend I realized what really is of importance for me: J-Rock- my bands and everything that is connected to it like fashion, Japan, music in general. The happiest years of my life so far had been the years 2005-2010- although there had been some very hard times- my friends will know of what or better whom I am speaking- but even when considering these things, it had been a splendid time. My therapist asked me today when it started and I realized it began with the concert of Dir en grey in 2005. I started to listen to their music some months before the news of the Berlin concert, when I got the newsletter from Neotokyo about it, I knew immediately that I wanted to go to the concert. I had never attended a concert before, I had been afraid and no band made me wish to see them live before, but nevertheless I wanted to go. A friend of mine, who introduced me to Dir en grey through our RPG, joined me for the concert, but I would have gone to Dir en grey anyway. The upcoming concert made me think about costumes, fashions and other stuff, I wanted to do all my life- now I found the courage to do it. I dyed my hair black with blue highlights, wore the fashion

I wanted to wear- well you can imagine. The Dir en grey Berlin weekend had been really wonderful and made me wish to do it again and again. By end of the summer I went through a really difficult time, crying a lot, but the opportunity of going to several concerts gave me strength. I went to see Mucc in Hamburg- I didn't know the band earlier, but when Tatsurou started to sing it had been like he was screaming out what I felt at that time, all the pain and fear went away while he had been singing. Especially 'Kuchiki no tou' released everything inside. Although things remained the same, now I have found a way to compensate. The same month I went to Astan Festival in Münster and planned a trip to Munich for D'espairs Ray & Kagerou. The trip had been gorgeous and I met the band, which turned to be my favourite- D'espairs Ray. J-Rock changed me and my life, I finally could be myself. In the end J-Rock lead to my change in study- I finally changed it to Japanology and even applied for a study opportunity in Japan in 2006. I met new friends through different ways, went to many concerts in Germany. Dir en grey, Moi dix Mois, Kagerou, The GazettE.... especially Mana had been and still is very important to me. He is kind of a mentor to me. 

My life changed a lot and finally had been in order, I felt happy with my weight (after a diet), wore what I liked, started a new job, a new study, traveled a lot.

I often visited a friend in Bremen and we started our 'Schmachtabende' (kind of difficult to translate), we spend evening and nights with watching concerts or movies like 'Moon child'. Many weekends we spent time with our concert dvds, talking, writing RPGs and enjoying handsome men on screen ^^. My friend worked for an university radio, so she introduced me with interviews and such stuff with the musicians- oh we had a lot of fun doing them ;). Usually I had been afraid of men, but these guys didn't scare me off- I felt save being around them, no fears of being molested or worst awoke in me at any time. It's still like that- I am suspicious any time a European or African man approaches me, I blog myself away and have no interest in them- I rather wish they would

leave me alone, but well with Asian guys, it's different.

In 2007 I made many more journeys and in the end went to Japan the first time. My study time in Kyoto had been darkened by many personal affairs, especially by who I thought had been my best friend, but also by a girl from the group. Again J-Rock gave me the strength to carry on. I went to as many concerts as possible, I enjoyed being in Japan and being part of that culture. Every concert was like being home and with friends. During Working Holidays J-Rock had been a great part of our lives as well. We went to many concerts, met bands, did interviews and so on....
Well this weekend when watching 'Nameless Liberty Six Guns' as research for one of my Minimee dolls, I finally understood that this music, this culture is really important for me. It still gives me strength and maybe even the fact that I have sold all my other dolls, as I weren't satisfied with them, but

kept my Minimee dolls and love them, is part of that. Well finally I knew what is important to me and what I need to do to reach my goals. I need this music, this bands and these guys ;). Other concerts have never gave me what J-Rock concerts gave me. It seems like J-Rock is home to me-well at least in a way. I need concerts, music, 'Schmachtabende' with my friends, my Minimee dolls, my special styling and fashion to be myself and be happy! And maybe my dream will come true, that  I am able to live in Japan again, working there and well maybe even found a man to love and to be loved.