The high cost of psychological illness

Today hasn't been the first day I thought about the cost of being psychological ill. I have often thought about it, and well one thing is certain- people who aren't suffering the same stuff, could never fully understand you. They could try of course, but well as hard as it sounds- they can never fully understand. Thinking about it, reminded me of something I told one interviewer from a research study- during my first study I had been part of one- well I volunteered- it had been about students from non academic families. I've said that my feelings concerning my family had been like watching them through a glass house. As much as I love them, I'm going away from them- to some place, where they can't follow, as they missing the same experience and I could never go back. Now it's the same about my trauma and with the people I love. It seems like they can't follow me. I have a very, very dear friend, who experienced abuse like me during childhood- we are talking a lot about it, as we are both in therapy at the moment. Maybe it sounds dramatic, but honestly I'm very happy about it- that I have someone I can trust and talk to, I wouldn't know what to do without her at the moment. I love you.

My dear friends, naturally you can try to understand me, try to imagine what I have gone through- but the horror of the whole thing- you can only guess. Maybe it sounds a bit arrogant or over dramatic, I would understand if you were thinking such thoughts. But it`s true. Abuse, rape and similar delinquencies do something horrible to you- one can hardly explain. You are full of fear and even the slightest touching can be a nightmare, you are mistrusting almost anyone, your body is trembling inwardly all the time- often disguised by a lovely smile. Even the most harmless situation can give you the creeps. Situations, which are natural to everyone else, like being alone with a fellow student in one classroom, or entering a concert hall filled with many men, or even going to the doctor or being alone with your brother or father. I had always been a terrible child once my mother and sister are going out for an evening- leaving me alone with father and brother. Of course nothing ever happened, but for me it had been hell. I were crying and even hid the tickets for 'Cats', so my sis and mother couldn't go. In the end I had shown them the hideaway and they reached merely the theatre in time. I even had problems with entering the bath tub after my brother or father had been in it for many years. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and father very much, but well they are male.... and that's all it takes to set off a whole bunch of reactions I can't control. With Asian men it is different, I have been told that this is due to the fact that Asian people have totally different eye shapes and face lines than European and African people, these eyes, these faces will never trigger what the other races will trigger. They would never remind me of what has happened. This also explains why I had felt so comfy in Japan. I have never been afraid when spending time or just meeting them on the streets or in trains with Japanese men, I had been very shy, especially when I liked them, yes, but not scared. I needed my time with them, once it came to sexual things, so when meeting Takahiro I wanted my friend to join me on the first date, but that had been all. I had never been afraid when spending time with him, I liked his touch and his kisses. I liked their looks, when I had been passing by. But every touch or look of the same sort from European or African men gives me the creeps. So well it seems like I have to marry an Asian guy ;).

My therapist explained it by comparing what had happened with a mirror, my brain tried to erase the memory like smashing a mirror, but the pieces are still there- deeply buried in my brain. Simple things like a look, a smell, a colour, a sound or anything else is marked on a single mirror shard. Seeing, feeling, smelling....  one of the things triggers and is evoking a strong declining reaction or emotion like crying heavily from one moment to the other.

To protect you, the brain is building a lot of walls, building an inner fortress. It can be that your body is putting on weight- as a visible armor, other are going the other way and the body can't put on enough weight. Anorexia, bulimia or adiposity are in that case merely an attempt of your brain to protect you. The whole stuff isn't done consciously, the body is doing it on it's own accord. In a way those diseases are just a way to show that something is wrong, a cry. In most cases doctors and family try to heal only the symptoms- diets for example, but naturally nothing is helping for long. In most cases these attempts to help you, worsens the whole thing. You are feeling like something is wrong with you, that you have to change something to please your family or friends. You feel worse and anorexia or adiposity is getting more and more terrible. It's a vicious circle. Many people are losing one's grip- sometimes it can even cause suicide. I have had such thoughts myself very often. I've never attempted it, for me it ended in self-mutilation- border line syndrome. I scratched 'hate' into my skin many times, luckily I didn't have any razors, so the wounds hadn't been really deep- I had used nail scissors, but some scars remained- now hidden by a tattoo.

Giving the memory space, like it is needed to hopefully lose the trauma, is very, very hard- and often very difficult for the people, who are close to you, I know. At the moment I'm afraid of losing some friends, for whom it is too hard to take me at the moment, which make me think that something is wrong with me. As much as I like to be who I had been a while ago, I can't, so please, please understand or try to understand why I don`t want to stay overnight or don't want to meet you on some days. I still love you very,very  much, but it is so hard and I don't feel strong enough to stay away from home, my save haven at this moment. I want to go, but I can't. And I don`t want to lose you.