咎

咎(toga) is one of the Japanese word for guilt, but in it's verb version 咎める(togameru) also meaning to blame, feeling guilty, it's a traditional Japanese verb, rarely used today, part of Bungo- classical Japanese.

In one of my recent entries I have talked about guilt, and it seems to be an important factor in my life. I have always taken the blame for things happening, I took the responsibility all the time no matter what had happened and have even punished myself for it. Thinking I had done something wrong, that I am to blame for the events. But very important is- even when you are feeling guilty, it doesn't mean it's your fault nor that you have to be punished for it.

Last week I wanted to stop therapy, as I felt so bad about it, now I will continue and I realized how many people are out there, who really care for me. They have helped me so much last week with their words and actions, so much I can't say thank you often enough. I love you. It had been a really hard week, but also a week of awareness of a special sort. I realized that it isn't always me, who is to blame. It's not my problem when people are not able to cope with me. It will be a long road to go until the message really sinks in- naturally, it could take years, but the most important step is the realization- and that's what had happened the last days. I wanted to thank one dear friend of mine, who had helped me to see clear, that I had already given myself all the answers of the questions, I got, but haven't noticed yet. Thank you!