Feeling Lost

Today is a day, which is very complicated for me. I had a panic attack tonight. I was watching one of D'espairs Ray's Live DVDs and had been totally happy that day- but.... well yes but.... I had been planning to go to the Sukekiyo concert on 21st September in Bochum, although I had a phase in which I didn't want to go anymore, recently I had been full of anticipation and wanted to go. Well- but... the mean but.... while watching the DVD I had been thinking of the incoming concert and from one moment to the other I had a really bad panic attack, I could hardly breathe, crying a lot.... and I realized I can't go. At the moment it would be too much for me, the assembly of strangers in one room, all the emotions and mostly unkind Kyo-fangirlies, strange men.... I just can't go. It had been really bad in April, when I went with a friend to a Subway to Sally concert, but compared to now it had been nothing in April....
The whole day I feel really bad, close to crying by just thinking of the concert. The same goes for the baptism of my nephew a week after the concert- I won't attend either. Guess my brother will be totally mad at me, but I remember the baptism of my niece 3 years ago, it ended with me crying in bed for many hours. I think something has triggered me then, I assume it's my sister in law's father's appearance. He is a very kind man, but well.... you know.

I cried the whole night until 6 in the morning, before I finally went to sleep. I had a very strange dream. I dreamt of going with my parents and sister to my cousin, who has married to the USA in 2009, she lived in a strange village near the sea. A huge stairway were going up a cliff coast. I had been a cold winter day with lots of snow and ice on the beach, a frozen sea. My family wanted to climb the stairs as my cousin lived on the top, first I didn't want to go, as I were thinking you will never made the way up that stairs, but in the end after I while I followed my family, it had been hard and exhausting, but in the end I arrived much earlier than I thought I would, as I needn't to climb up to the very top in the end- then I woke up with a cramp in the calf. ;)- I thought about this dream the whole day and now I came to the conclusion it means that all my efforts will finally come to a happy end, it will be exhausting and sometimes I want to give up, but in the end I can get through and will reach the goal much faster than I thought I would. The snow and the ice is symbolizing me, my soul.... many years ago I had a dream of a vacation with my mother and sister, in which I ran away from them, outside to a huge frozen field full of destroyed snow men, their heads were missing, some other parts had been loopsided a.s.o., I ran through the field, but it never ended. To me it now makes senses, it shows a part of my soul. Usually my soul had been a sea or a world of colourful crystal mountains during astral projections. Guess that's what it would be, what it's true form is like, but atm I'm trapped in a frozen 'mine' field and I have to climb stair for stair to get out of it.

I feel so lost and alone.... everything appears so cold, the words of my friends and family, and it hurts so much. Again I wish to be dead to get away from the mess...