The girl inside I

I can't remember the time when I was slim, although there had been a time when I had a totally normal weight. But these times appear just like a dream of time long ago. What is inside my mind is the feeling of being worthless due to being fat and the words, which have cut my soul in pieces. Guess this isn't something people want to read, but I figure it necessary to speak up for maybe it will help heal my inside- at last. At the age of 7 I had been a totally normal weighted girl, but then- I don't know for sure what changed me, it could be that my mother started working again or something else, something I have forgotten, but what is still in me and I need to figure it out. What I can remember of my childhood is that lots of it had been happy, but also the strong urge to prove myself, the wish of being noticed. I wasn't an easy child, I'm fully aware of it, and I were crying and screaming a lot. But I also had been lonely, so lonely that I turned mean towards other beings:

One day, I don`t know the reason anymore I were crying, feeling helpless, biting myself and then hitting my guinea pig- something that still hunts me, as that maybe years later turned into guinea pig paralysis, the reason why she died. I took my flute and hit my beloved Bommel, while screaming in agony, and I remember her hint legs being paralysed for some seconds, it turned better soon and she lived for several years afterwards, but I hurt her as I hurt some else. I accidentally choked a bunny to his death and one day I took a birds nest, looking at the baby birds inside, watching them die, crying- but nobody noticed. These are the things which will hunt me my whole life, especially as without animals I wouldn`t life anymore. One day I chased our dog through the house, I don`t know the reason either, there is only a feeling of a deep, deep pain and that nobody is seeing it, I had been crying many, many times. My parents love me, but I never told them all these things, as I wanted to spare them the pain. Especially my mother. First I had been a Daddy's girl, but later I had fears of being alone with males, not that my father or brother ever did anything. I don`t know what happened, all I could remember are some things, but these couldn't turn into this kind of fear:

When I still had been in elementary school my only male teacher had been my sport's teacher, when someone forgot their sports clothes he let us do sport in our underwear. Some boys took this as an invitation to drag the girls panties down. While visiting one girl in the protectory, one boy offered me sexually explicit things- at the age of 8 or 9. - But that's all I remember. I used to walk with our dog during that time, Senta, an Irish Terrier, she had been quite small but very tough- nobody from  the family knows why, but from one day to the other she turned very, very aggressive towards men and boys of a certain age, the only males she tolerated where my father and brother. Every other male had been attacked by her fiercely. 

When changing towards middle school my life began to turn hell. I hadn't been particularly fat, a bit chubby, but nothing really big, I weighted about 70-75kg at a size of 160cm. But even though there were two other kids in my class, who were heavier than me, much heavier, they bullied me. It had been a nightmare, but I just walked by and cried at home. Again I didn't tell anyone. I tried to calm myself with sweets and hiding at home. Things got worst when I got my period shortly before my 12th birthday. I hadn't been ready for it. My head and soul had been the one of a child. I still played with Barbie and My little Pony, with no moods for boys or anything womanly. My body no less turned quickly into a woman's body, but I refused to accept it, I didn't want to wear a bra and hid all female sanitary stuff way in the back of my cupboard. It had been a nightmare, I refused to wash and wanted to stay home, but I went to school, my daily nightmare. I will never forget the words my classmates whispered in my ear or screamed once they saw me. But I just smiled and turned away, for years. I felt in despair and thought about death a lot, especially when my relatives tried to encourage me to lose weight- now I know that was their intention, but the words weren't much nicer than the one's of my classmates. Food became a substitute for attention, as I turned away from my family. I remember it like yesterday, that several times I tried to run from home, not because they talked with me about my weight, but because I felt like they don't love me, and that they are better off without me, or because I couldn't stand the anger. It wasn't big, my mother had been tired from work and had problems with my sister or brother. Many times I thought about walking to her, speaking 'Mom, school is a nightmare' or 'Dad, you are hurting me when you are calling me names'- but I couldn't, I curled up in my bed, reading, smuggling sweets or playing with my toys. At a certain time I started stealing from my parents and my grandmother to buy toys and sweets. After a while I got caught- they didn't even said much, I just had to promise never to do it again- that was all. 

My life started to change when I started riding. My first experience with riding had been through a school project called 'Horse & Rider' in 7th grade. The horses gave me all that I was missing, I could love and were loved. As I soon turned to be a fairly good rider, I was a natural, nobody ever teased me there- that was home and I stayed there every free minute. My life began to change, especially as many of my mean classmates had to repeat a year. After 9th grade I went to a clinic for six weeks, these six weeks changed me to the core. For the first time I felt the same with other girls and started to get more teenage interests and to accept me of having a womanly body. I started to wear bras, I even experimented with make up and had fun with my girlfriends. I lost a lot of weight there and the time afterwards, so when back at school, in 10th grade, the final year of middle school, I had been accepted by almost everyone in my class. The nightmare had been over, but the scars were still deeply curved in my inner self. On the outside everything looked fine, but the inside still were a deep, open wound. 

The year I turned to high school, to the Gymnasium, had been the best idea ever. These 4 years at that school had been the best school time in my life. Nobody bullied me, I finally could learn as much as I wanted, not being stopped by being only in middle school. I changed riding to western style and there I met the love of my life, the one I loved most so far. She had been just as lonely as I am, I loved her with all my soul and heart and she was giving everything back. No words can describe how much I loved that horse, that blackish-brown mare with the kindest eyes I ever saw- my Dolamia. She had been a Danish Warmblood, and we loved each other to the core. I once read that once every million a human and a horse share a bond so close that they are one in every detail. I had that love, that bond with her. She saved me in any way a horse can save a human. She gave me more than love, more than devotion, she was everything I ever wanted in my life. All the sad thoughts of not being loved, not being what society wants of me, disappeared, I stopped hurting myself with scissors and biting just because of her. She was my everything and even though this had been a long time ago, it still hurts of talking or writing of her. I lost her due to the fact, that she wasn't mine and we didn't have the money of keeping a horse. The day I lost her, had been most grievous of all. I cried for hours and then I turned silent and never spoke of her, unless asked, and when asked all I could do was and is crying. My sister talked about her over a year after she had been brought away, while we were visiting our aunt and eating in a restaurant, all I could do were crying and my sister looked at me, touched and feeling guilty, I remember her words like it had been yesterday 'After all this time it still make you cry?'

Yes the lost of her threw me into a black pit, my marks went down at school, especially after our beloved bird died out of the sudden, my Jerry, and I gained a lot of weight- and never went to a stable again, and will not until I have enough money to buy the horse, I love. The loss of Dolamia had been parallel to the marriage of my aunt, my mother's sister, she had been a lot older than my Mum, living alone after the death of my grandmother, when I had been 9. She was more the person I could talk to than my mother, more grandmother than aunt. I spent a lot of time at her place during holidays and weekends. I could be myself when being with 'Tuta'- that's what we called her. (Her name had been Gertrud- the adults called her Trudchen and we children Tuta). I had so much fun and freedom when being at her place. But one day she decided to get married and moved 500km away- my mother recently said to me- 'You lost your attachment figure when she moved away and I wasn't able to replace her:'
I visited her, but as her husband had been horrible, we didn't get along as he called me satanist (because I read Harry Potter) and he didn't like girls, who speak up towards men- in his eyes I had been worthless, just the second girl- as to many other relatives of my family. But until then Tuta were always on my side, but she didn't speak up to him, just when we were alone.(she was born 1928- so maybe that explains it) I didn't realize it at that time, but now I know that I felt betrayed by her due to that and the fact that she never again spent the holidays, especially Christmas at our place again, like she had promised every time. We never spoke to each other that close like during the time before. She died in 2009, just when I returned home from my first Japan trip, cancer, and I'm very happy that soon after I returned in February we talked on the phone once more. I didn't want to, as I wasn`t in the mood, but I gave in and now I`m so glad I did, as that had been the last time I ever talked to her. She died 2months later.  What really had touched me were the fact that after she died, she visited me one night to say goodbye- as did my Dolamia, they both died the same year- or at least so I think afters these spiritual meetings, they both were saying farewell.- But well I`m running to much forward. In my next entry I will talk about the times in between. Maybe you won't read it or hate my after reading, but I figured that I need to write all these things down, it's not enough just to talk about it with my therapist- and well maybe it helps some people to understand why most of the overweight people are that size.

Enjoy the end oder 'The Micro Heads 4n's in Hamburg

Da ich heute etwas denkfaul bin, gibt es diesen Eintrag wieder einmal auf Deutsch. ^^ Gestern war es mal endlich wieder soweit und ein Konzert lag an. Vor bald 2 Jahren kündigte meine Lieblingsband D'espairs Ray an, dass sie sich wegen der Stimmprobleme von Hizumi (vocal) trennen mussten. Der Bassist Zero und der Drummer Tsukasa wurden daraufhin Mitglieder der Band 'The Micro Head 4n's'- der Bandname ist typisch für viele japanische Bands, ich nehme an, weil es dort soviele neue Bands gibt, dass nicht mehr soviel Auswahl an guten Bandnamen existiert. Es dauerte aber ne Weile bis man etwas von dieser Band hörte. Durch die Gema Kontrolle von Youtube konnte man dann schlussendlich auch die hochgeladenen PVs nicht ansehen. Sprich hatte keine Ahnung was die Band für eine Musik macht und hatte mich auch nicht wirklich über die anderen Mitglieder informiert. 

Im November gab es dann die Mitteilung, dass die Band nach Deutschland kommt, sogar nach Hamburg. Für mich war klar, hey du hast keine Ahnung wie die sind, aber da musst du hin, es spielen Zero und Tsukasa. *lach* Ich denke, wenn es kein Konzert in Hamburg gegeben hätte, wäre ich wohl zu keinem Konzert gegangen, da ja Fahrt- und Hotelkosten das Konzert sehr teuer gemacht hätten. Aber da die Kartenpreise eh für eine japanische Band sehr niedrig waren und es in Hamburg war, dachte ich hey, da gehst du hin. Tickets wurden also gekauft und eine Freundin wollte mich für das Konzert in Hamburg besuchen. Na gestern war es dann soweit, am morgen ahnte ich noch nicht was das für ein schicksalshafter Tag werden sollte. Es dämmerte mir nicht einmal, als wir Denise bei McDo trafen, natürlich hübsch zurecht gemacht, und ich, als ich mich mit meinem Tablett von dem Tresen wegdrehte in das Gesicht einer Freundin sah, die ich zwei Jahre nicht mehr gesehen hatte. Das gab erstmal ein großes Hallo und Gekuschele. es war sehr lustig, als wir dann zusammensaßen und sie fragte wer denn singt und wir gestehen mussten, keine Ahnung....das war dann doch schon sehr wie damals in 2005 bei der Coupling Tour von Kagerou x D'espairs Ray, wo ich auch blind nach München gefahren bin.
Später trafen wir dann Mareike und Constanze an der Minihalle- das Logo ist wirklich eine kleine Schuhschachtel. Merkwürdigerweise mussten wir die Taschen abgeben- ich vermute mal ne Methode um noch etwas Geld reinzukriegen, da die Halle nur halb gefüllt war. Na im Endeffekt war das auch gar nicht schlecht die Hände frei zu haben und auf nichts aufpassen zu müssen. Wir hatten uns einen netten Platz neben dem Merchandisestand gewählt. Vor der Bühne war es voll und das Logo ist sehr klein und niedrig, dass man da weiter hinten eh nichts sieht, also stellten wir uns auf die Treppe am anderen Ende. 

Es war irgendwie surreal, ich hatte die letzten Tage schon immer das Gefühl wie als ob ich auf ein D'espairs Ray Konzert gehen würde. Dann fing es an. Mit lautem Gekreische wurden Zero und Tsukasa begrüßt. Leider geht es wohl nicht ohne die Kreischis, aber es waren zum Glück nur wenige und so konnte man damit leben. Zu Anfang gab es dann noch die Mitteilung, dass es ein Signing geben würde mit dem Official Merchandise. Das war eine tolle Überraschung. Es war alles wie in so einem Rausch, das gesamte Konzert. Man kann es kaum in Worte fassen, die microheads sind musikalisch echt geil drauf. Mich haben sie an 'The Underneath' erinnert und auch an die frühen Jahren von D'espairs Ray- also absolut mein Ding. Ricky, der Sänger hatte auch eine sehr kraftvolle Stimme- ich war begeistert. Man konnte richtig geil abrocken. Aber es war nicht nur das, die Band ist absolut süß von der Art her. Sie hatten da jeder so bisschen was eingeübt, was sie sagen wollte. Gerade Ricky war da supersüß beim Englisch, er stammelte da verzweifelt rum und befragte schließlich sein Handy, also den Google Übersetzer, was etwas erschwert wurde durch den schlechten Empfang im Logo. Er schaute da rein, als ob er sagen würde, kann mir das mal jemand schnell ins Ohr sagen? Es war einfach nur goldig, da wollte man ihn einfach nur knuffeln. Aber auch die anderen waren supersüß, wie sie dann heimlich in Notizen schauten ^^. Natürlich haben sie nicht alles auf Englisch oder Deutsch gesagt, einiges ging dann auch nur auf Japanisch- ich habs verstanden ;). Beim Encore hat Tsukasa dann auch gesungen, eine Enka-Einlage, dass er sehr gut singen kann wusste ich schon seit dem 9th Anniversary Concert in Tokyo. War klasse. Mittlerweile hatten wir uns auch nach vorne gewagt und das Encore war ein Bad in der Menge. Es war einfach fantastisch.


Dann war es leider vorbei, aber man hatte ja noch das Signing. Es dauerte ein bisschen bis es losging, aber es war toll. Ich habe ein Foto-Set signieren lassen und da Denise spontan beschlossen hatte auch zu bleiben, hat sie dann meine CD signieren lassen, da sie nichts holen wollte. Eigentlich sollten sie auf der CD unterschreiben, aber kazuya, einer der Gitarristen, schrieb auf das Booklet und der Rest der Band dann natürlich auch. Es war wundervoll. Es war wirklich wie ein Rausch, es war wirklich ein traumhafter Abend. Ich denke auch, weil wir alle 5 keinerlei Erwartungen hatten, sondern einfach so hingegangen sind und uns haben überraschen lassen. Für mich war es ein Meilenstein und ein schicksalshafter Tag, ein Tag, welcher das Leben maßgeblich beeinflusst. Hätte ich gewusst wie geil sie sind, hätte ich auch Berlin oder Köln als zweites Konzert geplant, aber so bleibt es jetzt erstmal bei Hamburg und der Hoffnung auf eine weitere Tour.


Später saßen wir dann noch bei McDo und laberten. Später alberten und redeten Christiane, mein Besuch, bei mir noch stundenlang rum, wir waren in einer absoluten Hochstimmung, da konnte man einfach noch nicht schlafen..... Ich fühle mich wie neugeboren, mir ging es die letzten 2-2,5 Jahre körperlich sehr schlecht, ich hatte echt Sorge, ob ich das Konzert überhaupt durchhalte, aber es war absolut kein Problem, ich war plötzlich fit und konnte tanzen, springen, headbangen ohne dass ich Probleme hatte. Auch hier zuhause ist es noch so. Man kann plötzlich die Welt umarmen und möchte, singen, lachen und träumen und nicht zu vergessen an sich weiterarbeiten um gewisse Ziele (meine Freunde wissen sicher was ich meine) zu erreichen. Ich habe heute Nachmittag wegen des Konzerts Lebensgewohnheit komplett über Bord geworfen, ich fühle mich frei wie ein Vogel am Sommerhimmel und das ist allein durch diese Band so geworden. Insofern ist dies wirklich 'A beginning from the end' .

Finished Regency

It's finished. Well I'm not 100% satisfied with everything, but well it had been my first try to sew something real for my dolls. So far I had only some very easy stuff for my dolls, and not to many pieces, so I count this as the first real try, especially without a pattern. Well and it had been my absolutely very first time I sew a Regency dress. Counted everything together I can live with the flaws in the bodice. As we in Germany say 'Es ist noch kein Meister vom Himmel gefallen!' (no master had been ever fallen from the sky- if one translate it word for word)- meaning nobody is perfect from the start.

As my Eden's face.plate and hands are still not back from the artist's I can't provide proper pics, but only the way the last pics had been.

A glimpse....

.... of how the dress will look like when it is finished. Still a lot is to do, the skirt and bodice have to be sewn together (of course with an upper waistline as the pics shows), the sleeves are still missing and the lining of the bodice as well. But I like to share this pic, as this time I'm more satisfied with the new pattern for the bodice, it fits much better. Hopefully I can finish the dress until the weekend. :)

Going Regency II

I've finished the under garment. I'm not satisfied about the bodice, but for a first try it is ok with me. I've decorated the dress with small rocailles beads at the bodice and of course lace, and at the hem I've used larger pearl beads as decoration. The lace at the hem had been a left over of my friend. As my Eden is still at the artist's the hands are missing as well as the face-plate. She will be finished soon and I can provide better pics. Now it's time to make the outer garment for which I use the striped silk fabric, also a left over of my dear friend. Here can you see a preview of how it will look like (the pic had been taken before I've finished the inner dress, so the sleeve pits aren't finished). Of course a bodice and sleeves are following. I have made the under garment sleeveless to avoid it getting to bulky. The outer garment will get a small train as you can see at the picture.

The Swan of Tuonela

At last my internet connection is working, I wanted to write this short entry days ago, but the internet didn't let me. It's a new doll project, which I call Swan of Tuonela. Maybe some of you know the story of the Swan, which accompanies the fallen warriors to the underworld of Tuonela. It's also a gorgeous classic music piece by Sibelius, a Finnish composer, many people know his piece 'Finlandia'. Here you can listen to 'The Swan of Tuonela' with the scetches from Fantasia, 'The Swan of Tuonela' almost made it into the 1940'ies movie, so they added these sceteches to the bonus Dvd of Fantasia. It's beautiful even in this rough state.

Second some of you may know Matthew Bournes production of `Swan Lake'? It's a gorgeous production, some may know through the ending of the movie 'Billy Elliot- I will dance'. In this production the swan isn't danced by a female dancer, but by a male. I really, really love this production, especially with Adam Cooper as the Swan. I had been thinking about a doll character like this for a long time and finally found the perfect setting for it. My incoming Som Galena head (white skin), which was meant for a boy character will be this character. I will work together with Manu from Manu's Doll store, as she is the only artist, I can imagine to do such a face-up. She is thrilled by this idea, so all is set. I will combine the head with a Super Gem male body (old type), at the moment I'm into discussing about buying an Arkose body from the DoA Marketplace, it will come from France, which is very handy. ^^ No customs fees. As I already own a pair of Arkose death wings I might use them for this character as well. For a bit of androgyny I will use a pair of female long nail hands for this character. I've compared the joints of the female and male Soom hands, and they look like they have the same size, so it should work.

I'm really excited about this project. ^^ Hopefully I will get the Arkose body. Guess in spring the doll will be finished, so stay tuned and watch out for my new boy ^^.

Going Regency I

Well what shall I say, it has been a long time since I have written the last blog entry, but well here I am, back to do some sweet, nasty work ^^. I will use it to share my adventures in doll sewing from now on. 

Yesterday I got some free time and I started to make some clothing for my dolls. As often I had something totally different in mind. I got some lovely remnants from my dear Elwing & her mother months ago, too small to use them for human size clothings, but big enought for doll clothes. Thank you my dear- again. At first I had something like the dress on the right in mind - something like the limited Iplehouse Rexy Opera dress (pic by www.iplehouse.net). But has often the fabric had spoken for itself and so I started going Recengy- using these fabrics on the left. A lovely organza-lace left over from my their leftovers and a striped silk also from their remnants and I bought an ivory coloured dupioni silk. It had been my first time sewing such a dress, so I had been quite nervous. First I had used to much fabric for the doll, so she looked really pregnant. *lol*
After I had taken only half of the wide it looked fine to me. The model for this dress is by the way my Soom Idealian Eden, who is at the moment without her face-plate- she is at the face-artist. So full pics have to wait until Evie has finished her. My Eden, named Thalassa is a Victorian Vampire, but well as Victorian dress is rather difficult and I hadn't done any proper in sewing for some years, Naturally I didn't feel well with starting with Victorian dress. As I liked the Rexy dress I thought that oh well that kind of dress would look nice too and should be easier- a nice warm-up. Well in the my loving for Jane Austen had been bigger than my lust for the other kind of dress. *laughing* Entertained by some 'Midsomer murders' I started crimping, trimming, ironing and sewing for some hours. In the end I am nearly finished with the skirt parts. Hopefully I will find a way to make the bodice tomorrow. The lace is just to cover her nipples ^^. So far I'm satisfied with my work. :)