Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)

This week I started with Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). Yesterday my therapist tried to do it with me. I had remember an emotional scenery- of course we started with one, who wasn't really bad, on a spectrum from 1-10, it had been a 2. First of thought of my car accident in 2004, but my therapist said after I told her the scenary, that that memory is too hard for now, so I chose one from very long ago. In my riding years I naturally had some minor accidents due to falling from the horse, one had been a bit more frightening. It had been winter and the ground had been frozen. My horse had been ridden by another girl before me, so I didn`t saddle her up. When we were cantering the saddle belt got lose and the saddle had been slipping to the side- naturally I fell and as it had been a western saddle I couldn't get my foot out of the stirrup so easily. Luckily Dolamia were stopping almost immediately- so she didn't drag me on the frozen ground. But as she had been a very fast horse and the ground had been very hard, the fall had been not easy. In the end I had been lucky, as the helmet protected me- so I only got a mild concussion and some bruises on my side, mainly the hip. But I were knocked out for some seconds. My teacher had been terrified, I remember her very white face, when I were opening my eyes again. I got up, saddled Dolamia and with some help of my teacher I got back on horseback. I wanted to ;). Naturally we ended the lesson very slowly. I didn't lose my faith in Dolamia or horses- my trust had been unswerving, but for a while I had been not so keen to canter and I had to stay in bed for a week.
Well that's the scenery I had to think of, using a expression to describe what I had felt- which had been I'm losing control.
My therapist were flapping her fingers before my eyes, while I had been thinking of the situation. At first my old fear were flashing up. I felt as if something is constraining my chest, I could hardly breathe and my stomach were flipping up, I felt uneasy. After each session I had to tell my feelings to my therapist and she told me to continue to hold the feeling, even if it is uncomfortable. After each session I felt better, for a moment I felt really dizzy, like I had been riding a carrousel to long. In the end the bad emotions went away, I felt comfortable again and nothing frightening were in my mind. They don't really know how it works, only that it works- it's one the miracles of the brain and body.

Well I left my session with a good feeling, but later something really strange happened. I had been telephoning with a friend of mine- we were talking about my job, I just wanted to tell her that my overwork hours had simply been forgotten to be send to the local chief (not only mine, of all of us)- well it lead to almost a fight, I were crying, could hardly talk anymore and in the end we had to stop telephoning. The same happened yesterday. I felt so frightened, so angry, so full of hate of myself I even started to scratch myself again- only one stroke- but it took me a very, very hard fight to lay down the scissors and not to continue anymore. I had laid almost paralyzed in my bed, crying and screaming- it had been a nightmare. In a way it reminded me of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, when Voldemort had started to use the connection between him and Harry, and Harry told his friends that he had felt so angry all the time, he even thought of himself as bad person- guess many of you recall the scenery. I'm certain that this happened because of the EMDR- it has started to work, one of the averse effects of EMDR is that you are going through a lot to emotions, the symptoms could get worse for a while. That for my therapist gave me her telephone number, so I could reach her, if I should need her.
Even though we started with something really harmless, with no really bad feelings like this riding accident, it has evoked such strong emotions like hate, aggression and fear. At the moment I'm bit fearful of what will happen if we continue to the really, really bad things, far more worst than my car accident, which is a 7. Somewhere inside me there must be stored a lot of hate, fear and aggression- and make me think of the incident I had told you in an earlier entry about my poor sweet guinea pig Bommel, which I hat hit with my flute so badly. I have the feeling that this incident must have happened very soon after the abuse, as those feelings were deeply buried in the following years, only to flash for a second in some moments during my life. Hate about me, my family and all the people in my early life. Writing this down awakens a feeling of betrayal, I feel betrayed by all these people, although I know how should they have known? 

What helps me during these last 2 days is the song 'Running', guess many of you may know it, as it had been the Hungary ESC song of this year's contest, it's a song about child abuse. I want to give you the lyrics:


Silent cries
Every night
This Pain don't ever leave her life
Daddy's home
So she tries to hide
She calls for Mom
But never a reply
She cries cries cries
she's all alone
Daddy why why why
Leave me alone
She calls for help
She calls for help
But no one seems to care
She calls for help but no one seems to care
She keeps on running running running
from this crazy life
She keeps on running running running
Never sees the Light
I can see the angels standing by your side
it'll be alright
She's back again
Just one more time
Just wants to see her mother smile
She can't forget
Her only child
Mama let the devil in her house
She cries cries cries
she's all alone
Daddy why why why
Leave me alone
She calls for help
She calls for help
But no one seems to care
She calls for help but no one seems to care
She keeps on running running running
from this crazy life
She keeps on running running running
Never sees the Light
I can see the angels standing by your side
it'll be alright
She cries cries cries
Daddy why why why
she keeps on running running running
from this crazy life
keeps on running running
oh oh ohhhh
it'll be alright 

Soo well I will end this entry with his words, as it will be a very hard time for me, and for my family and friends, but in the end I hope.... : 

I can see the angels standing by your side- it'll alright!