虎

I can't sleep (again...).... well I have to say it's a funny thing how a body can react. All those years I was putting on weight to armor myself unconsciously. Today or better these last days and especially today my body is getting crazy like my mind. I could not sleep very well and if I sleep I will do it for a short time only, waking up every hour, sweaty and restless, although I'm very, very tired. Muscle cramps, mainly feet and toes, but sometimes other muscles.Feeling hot now and had shivering attacks some hours ago. I'm thirsty like hell today, I drank a whole liter the whole night- usually nothing. Guess it's normal.

 Well what do you do, when you can't sleep, you are thinking and sometimes reading to get your mind distracted. The last week I read an old RPG story a friend of mine and me had written in 2006-2007. It had been a very personal thing and naturally some things about ourselves had flown into it. Today I wanted to mention the thing she called 虎- tora- Japanese for tiger- the main reason why I will put it in a blog, is because I think it is happening again or maybe haven't stopped at all. My friend described it by saying I'm like a wounded tiger in times I can't handle my emotions or being very sad. In a way screaming for help, a sore and bleeding being, but when people are getting closer turning everything on attack, aggressive due to the fact I want nobody to see how hurt I am, chasing everyone away, in my eyes a warning not to come closer, pushing everyone away. She also said every time this happens my eyes are turning to a pale gold colour and people are backing off. I usually do not notice the whole stuff, only sometimes hours later, when calming down. Guess if I haven't read about it some days ago, I wouldn't have thought about it today either. Well it seems I'm the tiger again..... and I would understand if you back away from me, maybe I need this- to be alone, maybe not. But whatever you do, don't let the tiger chase away the fact, that whatever I'll do, I love you.