A very dear friend talked with a friend of hers and she said that when such things are happening to a child, it usually talks to the parents, but not if there isn't trust. I never talked to my parents! Something I realized some weeks ago, when my sister had some trouble with her boyfriend once he knew that she is discussing problems with our mother and my sister said, that he didn't know women are talking with their mothers. Well it hit me, while she were saying it, I never, ever talked about problems with Mom by myself, nor my sister, only with friends. We discussed some problems, when she caught me crying in bed, but nothing else, every time I talked to her or my father had been well a kind of forced talk, because they caught me crying and wanted to know what had happened- and these talks are well... maybe had had happened 2-3x in my life. Of course I talked with them about such basic stuff like studying abroad or similar, but nothing personal, only business talk. My parents have never know much about my feelings, my life. Meaning I don't trust my family, although they are very kind and I love them. Guess the lack of trust has it's reason VERY long ago, in a time I can't remember anymore, maybe when I had been 4 or 5 years old at latest. Fitting to it is, that in school I had been very shy from the beginning, always looking for support or closeness from my teacher- it even is said so in my first school report, but I have a very open personality- so it doesn't fit together.
Although I want to trust, it seems I can trust, I am always looking for confirmation, nevertheless how many times I had been told it. On the other side I always blame myself for doing things wrong. Making mistakes is horrible to me, I always wanted to be perfect and if I am doing something wrong I want to make amends. I'm lacking trust in myself and also in other people. I've always thought that I am trusting my friends, it is true up to a certain amount, I trust them with my heart in many ways, but still I'm mistrusting their judgement when it comes to me, they can tell me many times that they think I am pretty or bright- I don't believe it with all my heart. I'm still suspicious and waiting for them to tell me, that they don't want me anymore. The only thing I believe is for example when I am getting a very good mark in a test or paper by authorities, nevertheless I always think what I am writing, doing whatever is a mess. One day in winter semester I were talking with a friend, who were starting her Bachelor paper during that time, to a classmate. I don't know anymore how we came to it, but suddenly she said, that everything I have said in classes or when we were talking about our study, had been like 'Wow', really great thoughts. I guess I were looking at her in disbelief, as it were like some kind of shock, a positive shock, but still a shock, especially as she is a top A student, who I always have admired, and thought well I 'll never reach her level, and now she had been standing there, telling me that she admires me! ME! ;)
On the other side I have a bad conscience whenever I hurt my friends or say something, like being a drama queen. I telephoned with a friend tonight and she said that I am always taking the blame, calling it penance. I never notice that this behaviour may even hurt more. It seems as I am always taking the blame, the guilt of whatever is happening in my life.
Long time ago I had a RPG with a girl, which turned to be a good friend, although she had been very young then, 13. One day she said to me, your characters are always apologizing, like yourself, you don't have to.- But I couldn't stop. It's like I'm still the 12 year old girl, which saw that her harmless question has evoked a horror, a nightmarish scenario.- that's the one memory I still have about this stuff, well at least the only memory I can think of, which could have caused it. Now I know that my question about getting a new guinea pig couldn't have been the reason why happened, what had happened. I don't want to write it down, but some of you already knew what happened. From that day on, I never told anything to my family, keeping everything to myself, looking for animal company. During therapy we made an exercise in which I had to leave my guilt there, it had been strange, but well it had opened my eyes!
Now it makes sense that as teenagers and child my favourite musical had been Starlight Express, where Rusty, the steam engine, weren't trusting himself, feeling lousy and not worthy, losing everything until the Starlight Express shows him what is inside him and he beats everyone. (just one example ^^) It had always been so close, but I never got it. I have to learn to trust others, to trust you and myself, believe in myself and believe you!
Writing now is awakening another memory, a friend of mine told me about a short story, where someone wants to reach a star, always climbing so high a mountain every night, but never reaching it, as he isn't believing in himself until one night he is standing there, and unlike the other nights he could reach the star he wanted, just because he were believing that he could do it.- my friend read me the story during a nightly telephone call, saying look that is what is you have to do, just trusting and believing. <3 br="">
So I end for tonight with Starlight Sequence:
RUSTY
Starlight Express, Starlight Express...
STARLIGHT
Only you have the power within you.
Just believe in yourself -
The sea will part before you,
Stop the rain, turn the tide.
If only you use the power within you
Needn't beg the world
To turn around and help you
If you draw on what you have within you
Somewhere deep inside.
RUSTY
Starlight Express, Starlight Express,
Are you real, yes or no?
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don't want you to go.
STARLIGHT
Rusty you're blind, look in your mind -
I'm there. Nothing's new
The Starlight Express is no more nore less
Than you Rusty. I am you.
I'm you and
STARLIGHT / RUSTY
Only you/I am the Starlight.
Have the power within you/I can achieve
Just believe in yourself/anything
The sea will part before you
Stop the rain and turn the tide/
All the things I didn't believe.
If only you/I am the Starlight.
Have the power within you/I can achieve
Just believe in yourself/anything
The sea will part before you
Stop the rain and turn the tide/
All the things I didn't believe.
If only you/I am the Starlight,
Use the power within you/I can see it through.
Needn't beg the world to turn around and help you
If you draw on what is deep inside.
RUSTY
I won't let you down.
And I hope that I won't let you down either!
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