I'm getting crazy

Yes I am getting crazy. At the moment everything is too much for me. I can't bear it anymore to be honest. All these emotions cruising inside me. I have the feeling that something is nagging inwardly, eating my heart, my organs- me. On the outside everything seems to be ok, but the inside is a nightmare, a sea of emotions- like the lyrics of 'Tanz der Vampire' (Dance of the vampires)- 'Ein Meer von Gefühl und kein Land'. All I can think of is a button, something to turn off the emotions, turn off everything. Now I can truly understand what drives people into suicide. Not that you have to be afraid that I will do something like that- it's just the thought of finding an ultimate end to these emotions. I can't handle this stuff, I can't trust anymore, I can't look into a man's eye, I can't bear the touch of males, especially when they are showing me that they are interested in me. I can bear the men I know, but no strangers, when they are coming too close. On Thursday one customer proposed to me during work. He had been a South European guy around 50-55, guess Spanish or Portuguese. He called me 'Principessa' and wanted to marry me. I said 'no' to him and he went away- well for a while, after two hours he came back, asking me if I had changed my mind or at least will go out with me, touching my hand and arm. I drove back like he had touched me with a burning knife and told him 'no' again and that he is too old for me. Luckily another customer- also from Southern Europe, interfered and told him to go away, to leave me (the young lady) alone, that he is too old for me- and he went away. The other guy had been so nice, he said I will be outside, if he will come back, call me, I will come. Guess he must have read my mind in my eyes, as he had been very kind and smiling. Luckily 5minutes later I had to close the store. The same day an old man touched my back and hip when I was filling the fridge for the cold drinks. It had been horrible, I know it is wrong, but I feel so filthy, I want to shower all the time- I won't, but the urge is there.

I can't handle the nightmares, I've never remembered what they are about, but waking up with a bad feeling, scared and horrible, sometimes sweaty and crying, but when I tried to remember all that is left is blackness. The only thing that helps is singing the song, I had mentioned in my last entry about my patronus. But well as it is just a memory, after a while I feel lonely, used and disposed again. The whole stuff caused a huge fight with a friend of mine- at the moment I just have the feeling to hurt everyone around me, I am not good for my friends- so I have decided to turn back- in the end when you are alone you can't be hurt and can't hurt someone,- I know it's not good to do this, but I can't.... not anymore.  I have turned off my telephone (if you want to call me, send me a Sms, if I can stand it, I will turn on the phone for a call). Well I know that this behavior may hurt you all even more, but you will see in the end it will give you more time for yourself and you will feel better again and free. The same friend said, that I need love  more than anything else, but well there is no such love for me here, and I don't want a boyfriend, husband whatever when I have to be afraid that he will run away, as he can't bear me either. (and well to find it, I have to be in Japan) Long time ago a good friend of mine told me I'm like Megara from Disney's 'Hercules'- maybe she had been right, well she said that she want to be alone as well, as then nobody can hurt you, and she didn't want to give her love room.- like me. Well maybe in the end I will get my one man like she did, but now I'm afraid I can't. 

Yesterday a friend of mine said, that I've been in love for many years- grinning while saying it. Maybe she's right, but that's not easy either and I fear maybe part of the whole emotion dilemma. I really, truly don't know what I am feeling at the moment. I'm full of hate, fear, sadness, agony and pain, with something mixed I can't decipher. Guess that doesn't make any sense, but at the moment I'm afraid nothing does make sense. Well and I feel so ugly.....

Ok, now I have written it down, maybe it will help you all to understand me and what I am doing.

The picture is a work painted by Franz Marc (one of my favourite painters) from 1914, called 'Kämpfende Formen', according to him only abstract works can show the soul and spirit. There are many interpretations of this work, to me it symbolizes the battle of two forces, maybe you can call it good and evil or whatever you like. This pictures is how my soul is in this very moment, the first thing I thought about, when looking for a blog pictures.