Out of the dark- into the light

Es ist lange her, dass ich einen Blogeintrag geschrieben habe. Mittlerweile ist das Jahr 2014 vorbei und 2015 auch schon bald 2 Wochen alt- ein komisches Gefühl... 

2014 war definitiv ein sehr seltsames Jahr, allein dadurch, dass ich kaum an der Uni war und stattdessen mich auf Therapie und Job konzentriert habe, aber auch in anderen Dingen. Insbesondere natürlich die Therapie hat viele Dinge zur Sprache gebracht, von  denen ich nur leichte Ahnungen hatte. Auch wenn ich oft genug alles hinschmeißen wollte, so habe ich mich bis heute durchgebissen, bis ans Ende der ersten Einheit. Ob ich eine Verlängerung bekomme liegt nun an meiner Krankenkasse, ein Antrag wird in jedem Fall gestellt. Mittlerweile ist es auch so, dass ich selbst merke, was sich verändert hat und nicht nur die Anderen ;). Es war ein sehr langer, steiniger und schmerzhafter Weg bis hierhin und es ist bei weitem noch nicht alles geschafft- an das eigentliche Trauma haben wir bislang nur gekratzt- ich wollte es nicht anders, zudem waren die Folgeerscheinungen sehr viel bedeutsamer.

Im November hatte ich dann auch einen Therapeutenwechsel, da meine erste Therapeutin in eine andere Stadt wechselte- im Endeffekt hat sich das sehr positiv ausgewirkt. Ich kam gut zurecht mit der ersten, aber mit meiner neuen Therapeutin besteht eine noch bessere Chemie. Einige wichtige neue Erkenntnisse habe ich ihr zu verdanken.   

Nun was kann ich zu 2014 sagen?! Es war eindeutig ein sehr schmerzhaftes und emotionales Jahr, natürlich gab es auch sehr schöne Momente, aber die Gesamtheit des Jahres war eher schwierig und schmerzhaft- und ich habe gewiss den einen oder anderen in den Wahnsinn getrieben mit meinen Stimmungsschwankungen und allem. An dieser Stelle möchte ich noch einmal danke sagen, dass die meisten noch da sind und immer noch versuchen mich aufzumuntern und für mich da sind. Ich weiß ich bin nicht einfach, auch wenn ich langsam erkenne woran es liegt- was damals passiert ist- nun das hat dazu geführt, dass ich mich auf der einen Seite extrem nach Liebe und Nähe sehne, auf der anderen Seite aber auch plötzlich alle von mir stoße, wenn die Aggressionen hochkommen, die sich im eigentlichen Sinne weder gegen mich noch gegen meine Freunde und Familie richten- doch in Ermangelung des eigentlichen Zieles richtet sich die Wut, die Aggression entweder gegen mich selbst oder gegen denjenigen, der das Pech hat in meiner Nähe zu sein. Das klingt merkwürdig ich weiß und wahrscheinlich schwer zu verstehen. Es wird auch noch einige Zeit dauern bis ich das überwunden habe, aber ich arbeite daran.

Momentan bin ich noch wie ein kleiner, verschüchterter Vogel,dessen Flügel gebrochen waren, der obwohl er weiß, dass er eigentlich fliegen kann, es noch nicht wagt sich wieder in die Lüfte, den Himmel zu schwingen.- aber das wird wieder kommen, dessen bin ich mir sicher.

2014 hat mir auch andere Erkenntnisse gebracht, auch wenn es jetzt vielleicht etwas albern klingt  und ich oft genug noch daran zweifele, will ich es aufschreiben:

* Ich weiß, dass ich nicht auf den Kopf gefallen bin, im Gegenteil wahrscheinlich sogar mit einer hohen Intelligenz ausgestattet bin, die andere bewundern und beneiden.

* Ich weiß, dass ich liebenswert bin, dass es einen Grund gibt, warum zB die Kunden, meine Kollegen mich derartig mögen und auch vermissen, wenn ich nicht da bin.

* Ich erahne eine Stärke in mir, derer ich nie zuvor direkt bewusst war, dass ich die Gabe habe, mich selber aus tiefen Depressionen rauszuziehen, auch wenn es manchmal etwas dauert, dass ich trotz allem, was passiert ist, mich durchgebissen habe und einiges erreicht habe- vielleicht nicht in Rekordzeit, aber in gewisser Weise grenzt es schon an ein Wunder, dass ich so weit gekommen bin- wie zB dass ich arbeiten gehe, dass ich studiere und bis zu einem gewissen Rahmen ein recht normales Leben führe und nicht aufgegeben habe und auch immer noch daran glaube, dass alles am Ende gut werden wird.

Insofern.... out of the dark, into the light.... beschreibt 2014 sehr gut.

自力更生

自力更生 (jirikikôsei) means self help, redemption in one's own right. Literally meaning strength by myself and rebirth or regeneration.

These last weeks I wanted to find a way how to cope with these special moments, where I lost myself in desperation. I have tried many things and some helped, but only for the moment and not all the time- in Harry Potter words- it hadn't been strong enough to create a corporal patronus.

The funny thing is, that all the time I have already known about my 自力更生. Long time ago, in summer 2005 I had a very hard time, the reasons won't matter anymore, but it had been a time of desperation. Before the certain event I had ordered some dvds of the Japanese artist Gackt after my first introduction to him through Malice Mizer- a Japanese Visual Kei band, which he left in 1999. The dvds had arrived some days after the event. The moment the first song had been performed on screen I had gone through a transformation, all the bad thoughts had been swept away and started to be happy again, but it also gave me strength to do things by myself and change a lot in my life. 

All these years I had followed Gackt's activities to a certain amount, but never considered myself a Gackt fan until one friend of mine, to whom I told this bout of laughter, and said, noooooooooo you aren't a Gackt fan, you simply happen to have all his albums, all his dvds,  fotobooks and magazines with him, went right away to his concert in Bochum, and talking about him now and then, defending him when someone is saying bad things about him and much more., even thinking of a tattoo... but you`re right you aren't a Gackt fan.
Yeeeeesss, seems I didn't acknowledge this certain matter- to be honest, I also had a Gackt calender once and wanted to dedicade my first book to him..... funny how one is looking at some stuff. ;)
Well back on topic- when that certain friend and I had been in Japan, doing Working Holiday, the beginning had been a rough time- especially about finding a job, and I had felt very bad and worthless, my friend wanted to cheer me up, and so I got the pick on a night's dvd and I said, I know that you don't like Gackt so much, but he always cheers me up- so we watched one of his live dvds, which I had taken with me to Japan. Immediately he swept away the bad thoughts and I felt better and some days later I had found a job :).

But I simply had forgotten about this matter, it had been a pure coincidence, or maybe destiny that I wanted to see one of his concerts recently- and bamm.... my world turned bright again. Today I told my therapist about him and that I have found my 自力更生 at last.

It's not only his voice or his music, it's everything together, that he is such a kind person, that he has emotional problems as well, that he wants to give his fans, his Dears, strength to carry on until they are going to reach their goals, live their dreams. During his first tour as a solo artist, Mars Tour, in 2000, he has written a long prologue and and epilogue,broadcasted on the dvd and vhs release, in which he said that, when people are carrying on thanks to his music- then he will be accomplished as an artist.- Maybe that's why I feel what I feel through his music, maybe I will never know, but what is important is that it helps to turn on the light in the darkest night- and that:

If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.
~ Gackt

A special song of him- Returner- 闇の終焉 (yami no shuen (demise of darkness in English)):

咎

咎(toga) is one of the Japanese word for guilt, but in it's verb version 咎める(togameru) also meaning to blame, feeling guilty, it's a traditional Japanese verb, rarely used today, part of Bungo- classical Japanese.

In one of my recent entries I have talked about guilt, and it seems to be an important factor in my life. I have always taken the blame for things happening, I took the responsibility all the time no matter what had happened and have even punished myself for it. Thinking I had done something wrong, that I am to blame for the events. But very important is- even when you are feeling guilty, it doesn't mean it's your fault nor that you have to be punished for it.

Last week I wanted to stop therapy, as I felt so bad about it, now I will continue and I realized how many people are out there, who really care for me. They have helped me so much last week with their words and actions, so much I can't say thank you often enough. I love you. It had been a really hard week, but also a week of awareness of a special sort. I realized that it isn't always me, who is to blame. It's not my problem when people are not able to cope with me. It will be a long road to go until the message really sinks in- naturally, it could take years, but the most important step is the realization- and that's what had happened the last days. I wanted to thank one dear friend of mine, who had helped me to see clear, that I had already given myself all the answers of the questions, I got, but haven't noticed yet. Thank you!

Feeling Lost

Today is a day, which is very complicated for me. I had a panic attack tonight. I was watching one of D'espairs Ray's Live DVDs and had been totally happy that day- but.... well yes but.... I had been planning to go to the Sukekiyo concert on 21st September in Bochum, although I had a phase in which I didn't want to go anymore, recently I had been full of anticipation and wanted to go. Well- but... the mean but.... while watching the DVD I had been thinking of the incoming concert and from one moment to the other I had a really bad panic attack, I could hardly breathe, crying a lot.... and I realized I can't go. At the moment it would be too much for me, the assembly of strangers in one room, all the emotions and mostly unkind Kyo-fangirlies, strange men.... I just can't go. It had been really bad in April, when I went with a friend to a Subway to Sally concert, but compared to now it had been nothing in April....
The whole day I feel really bad, close to crying by just thinking of the concert. The same goes for the baptism of my nephew a week after the concert- I won't attend either. Guess my brother will be totally mad at me, but I remember the baptism of my niece 3 years ago, it ended with me crying in bed for many hours. I think something has triggered me then, I assume it's my sister in law's father's appearance. He is a very kind man, but well.... you know.

I cried the whole night until 6 in the morning, before I finally went to sleep. I had a very strange dream. I dreamt of going with my parents and sister to my cousin, who has married to the USA in 2009, she lived in a strange village near the sea. A huge stairway were going up a cliff coast. I had been a cold winter day with lots of snow and ice on the beach, a frozen sea. My family wanted to climb the stairs as my cousin lived on the top, first I didn't want to go, as I were thinking you will never made the way up that stairs, but in the end after I while I followed my family, it had been hard and exhausting, but in the end I arrived much earlier than I thought I would, as I needn't to climb up to the very top in the end- then I woke up with a cramp in the calf. ;)- I thought about this dream the whole day and now I came to the conclusion it means that all my efforts will finally come to a happy end, it will be exhausting and sometimes I want to give up, but in the end I can get through and will reach the goal much faster than I thought I would. The snow and the ice is symbolizing me, my soul.... many years ago I had a dream of a vacation with my mother and sister, in which I ran away from them, outside to a huge frozen field full of destroyed snow men, their heads were missing, some other parts had been loopsided a.s.o., I ran through the field, but it never ended. To me it now makes senses, it shows a part of my soul. Usually my soul had been a sea or a world of colourful crystal mountains during astral projections. Guess that's what it would be, what it's true form is like, but atm I'm trapped in a frozen 'mine' field and I have to climb stair for stair to get out of it.

I feel so lost and alone.... everything appears so cold, the words of my friends and family, and it hurts so much. Again I wish to be dead to get away from the mess...

Undefined

Isn't it strange how things can change by just small incidents? As some of you already know I went swimming with a friend of mine on Sunday and she said that I should try whether the scale is showing my weight by now. For many years I didn't have the opportunity to control my weight through my attempts of losing weight, as I simply had been too heavy for it. During my stay at the clinic last year September I got my weight results for the first time in well about 4 years. I lost 10kg there, back at home I tried to continue, but well it wasn't any good. In March I started with the medication of my hypothyroidism, with a small dose, in July we went up as the results weren't any better, together with finding the cause of my overweight, it seemed to help. After all those months checking the scale and getting only 'Error' it had been an overwhelming feeling to finally see my weight on my scale. Funnily it set lose some actions, I found more courage to continue, to bring in more efforts. 

Early last week I already started with some changes in nutrition like only one- two days a week I will eat meat, drinking water again.... This week I started with Almased again- one time a day so far and my medication had been set up to 100 (75 before and 50 at the beginning). Hopefully this will help me to lose weight fast. I know so many people are saying it's not good to lose weight fast, but when you have my weight it simply must be, so you don't lose hope and faith to continue. For example when you are about 100-110kg, it's ok to lose 1kg a week, but well in certain weight areas this would mean, you will reach your weight goal in let's say 5 years? Far too long for me, I would give up, so I need a healthy nutrition/diet which will cause me to lose more, but still be in a green area. In 2005 I had lost 40kg in 3-4 months, I had been a lot lighter than now by that time ;). So I will try to lose 10kg a month in the beginning, maybe I will reach my goal, maybe not- I will see by end of August. These 10kg a month is the same percentage like 3-4kg a month for the common overweight people with 90-120kg weight. And well I gained 50-60kg in half a year in 2010, the time when my hypothyroidism started I suppose, so hopefully I will lose them in a similar time frame :). 

I know some of you don't think that way, but please do me the favour not to mention anything, I simply have too much problems with such words, so in the end your well meant action and words may cause that I will give everything up. Trust me I know what I am doing and what is best for me. So please keep your opinion in this certain matter to yourself. VERY IMPORTANT!!!! Thank you!

Well when I started this entry I didn't want to talk all about diet and sort, but maybe it's good to write it down. What I really wanted to say is that such small events like the one with the scale could give you enormous strength to carry on. For a first goal I wanted to reach my after Japan weight.

That's shown in the picture on the right (about 128kg), yes I know I don't look like that weight, but it's true. Next goal will be the 2005/6 weight (picture above) which had been about 105kg and then finally I want to fit in Mana's dresses- a size 38-40 ;). I already have several Moi même Moitié clothes and I want to fit in them at last one day :), sauntering Tokyo and Kyoto ;). On Tuesday I ordered a new Moitié dress, it had been 50% off till today, so I simply must have it and as changing nutrition has a pleasant side-effect in saving money, I put that money into the dress. I ordered the Cembalo Trio Long Chiffon Onepiece in red.(pic below) I plan on putting my money to some more Moitié items during the next months- if they should be available that long- keep fingers cross, I need some accessories and stuff ;). So my dolls have to wait a bit longer. 

Yes it really is strange how you feel after such events, I'm full of power now, hoping that the next time I'm on the scale it

will show less weight again and again.... I even started a nutrition diary, where I write down what I have eaten, which sport I have made etc- no calory counting or such, just for me, so I knew what is good and what is bad, that I have done, guess this will help me to learn proper eating and maybe even lose my eating disorder. I have to admit that since I started the medication of the hypothyroidism and then starting the therapy, learning why my body put on weight so easily, and why I lost weight so fast in Japan ( and believe me I have eaten very good, and also lots of sweets)- simply because my body were building up an armor against men, since then I haven't had any binge eating days. One time I had a bit of binge eating- but not as bad as before. I see it as a sign that I am on the right way. I want to smile again- like on those pictures I had posted here, I want to feel beautiful again, be myself and not some girl, wearing her body as an armor against those guys out there, I don't want to be afraid anymore.

 I will never let an European or African race man, coming close to me, except friendship, that's for sure, but I don't want to get those panic attacks anymore. I still get them, which is natural after all these events during the past weeks. I especially get panic attacks with African men these days. Certainly because they showed so much interest in me the last months. At the moment I can't even bear one of them close to me. I need a huge distance between them and me. (the last therapy session made me aware of my boundaries- I need them to be much larger) But even with European men I can't bear them close, although it`s not as bad as with the black ones, as usually they don't show any love interest in me and if they do, they usually accept a 'no' easier and leave me alone- not like the blacks. Exceptions make the rules of course. ;) Unfortunately we had some black guys moving to my hometowns shelters. Especially after nightfall it is very hard for me to have them on the bus (I'm afraid of the dark atm) - Yes I know you can call it racism, but honestly it has nothing to do with racism, it's just that I'm so panicked whenever I see one of them, that I only have one thought- leave me alone and don't come close, better go away, so I don't  need, I don't want you close to myself. And well there are always some of them who don't leave you alone, they have to babble, like every woman, who is on her own is dying to meet them, fair game.

It is hard enough for me these days to be around men, even when they are silent guests near me, but once I feel or know that they have a love interest I'm backing away, building up a wall and when they are not accepting 'no'- like almost all of the blacks- I'm in a nightmare, in hell. It doesn't help to be unfriendly or not to answer them, they don't stop talking, sometimes even start touching me- I want to push them away, hit them, scream, but I'm too paralyzed. At work it's a bit easier, as I have my huge desk between me and the customer, but outside I don't....
I still have to learn that, but that's a long process....

Thanks for reading. I simply had to write it down.

Starlight Express or Guilt and Trust

Yesterday I realized something important, well it's not that the thought hadn't come to me before and in a way I knew it all the time, but really realizing... well that didn't happen. It started when I talked about all the problems I have with my friends at the moment, which naturally came to pass as I'm not very easy at the moment. Well my therapist asked me whether it often happen that I blame myself for everything, and I said yes, so we talked about it. As far as my memory goes there is only one occasion which had caused this, but honestly I don't know if it is the main reason, it is a reason of course- but not everything. 

A very dear friend talked with a friend of hers and she said that when such things are happening to a child, it usually talks to the parents, but not if there isn't trust. I never talked to my parents! Something I realized some weeks ago, when my sister had some trouble with her boyfriend once he knew that she is discussing problems with our mother and my sister said, that he didn't know women are talking with their mothers. Well it hit me, while she were saying it, I never, ever talked about problems with Mom by myself, nor my sister, only with friends. We discussed some problems, when she caught me crying in bed, but nothing else, every time I talked to her or my father had been well a kind of forced talk, because they caught me crying and wanted to know what had happened- and these talks are well... maybe had had happened 2-3x in my life. Of course I talked with them about such basic stuff like studying abroad or similar, but nothing personal, only business talk. My parents have never know much about my feelings, my life. Meaning I don't trust my family, although they are very kind and I love them. Guess the lack of trust has it's reason VERY long ago, in a time I can't remember anymore, maybe when I had been 4 or 5 years old at latest. Fitting to it is, that in school I had been very shy from the beginning, always looking for support or closeness from my teacher- it even is said so in my first school report, but I have a very open personality- so it doesn't fit together.

Although I want to trust, it seems I can trust, I am always looking for confirmation, nevertheless how many times I had been told it. On the other side I always blame myself for doing things wrong. Making mistakes is horrible to me, I always wanted to be perfect and if I am doing something wrong I want to make amends. I'm lacking trust in myself and also in other people. I've always thought that I am trusting my friends, it is true up to a certain amount, I trust them with my heart in many ways, but still I'm mistrusting their judgement when it comes to me, they can tell me many times that they think I am pretty or bright- I don't believe it with all my heart. I'm still suspicious and waiting for them to tell me, that they don't want me anymore. The only thing I believe is for example when I am getting a very good mark in a test or paper by authorities, nevertheless I always think what I am writing, doing whatever is a mess. One day in winter semester I were talking with a friend, who were starting her Bachelor paper during that time, to a classmate. I don't know anymore how we came to it, but suddenly she said, that everything I have said in classes or when we were talking about our study, had been like 'Wow', really great thoughts. I guess I were looking at her in disbelief, as it were like some kind of shock, a positive shock, but still a shock, especially as she is a top A student, who I always have admired, and thought well I 'll never reach her level, and now she had been standing there, telling me that she admires me! ME! ;)
On the other side I have a bad conscience whenever I hurt my friends or say something, like being a drama queen. I telephoned with a friend tonight and she said that I am always taking the blame, calling it penance. I never notice that this behaviour may even hurt more. It seems as I am always taking the blame, the guilt of whatever is happening in my life.

Long time ago I had a RPG with a girl, which turned to be a good friend, although she had been very young then, 13. One day she said to me, your characters are always apologizing, like yourself, you don't have to.- But I couldn't stop. It's like I'm still the 12 year old girl, which saw that her harmless question has evoked a horror, a nightmarish scenario.- that's the one memory I still have about this stuff, well at least the only memory I can think of, which could have caused it. Now I know that my question about getting a new guinea pig couldn't have been the reason why happened, what had happened. I don't want to write it down, but some of you already knew what happened. From that day on, I never told anything to my family, keeping everything to myself, looking for animal company. During therapy we made an exercise in which I had to leave my guilt there, it had been strange, but well it had opened my eyes!

Now it makes sense that as teenagers and child my favourite musical had been Starlight Express, where Rusty, the steam engine, weren't trusting himself, feeling lousy and not worthy, losing everything until the Starlight Express shows him what is inside him and he beats everyone. (just one example ^^)  It had always been so close, but I never got it. I have to learn to trust others, to trust you and myself, believe in myself and believe you!

Writing now is awakening another memory, a friend of mine told me about a short story, where someone wants to reach a star, always climbing so high a mountain every night, but never reaching it, as he isn't believing in himself until one night he is standing there, and unlike the other nights he could reach the star he wanted, just because he were believing that he could do it.- my friend read me the story during a nightly telephone call, saying look that is what is you have to do, just trusting and believing. <3 br="">

So I end for tonight with Starlight Sequence:

RUSTY
Starlight Express, Starlight Express...
 
STARLIGHT
Only you have the power within you.
Just believe in yourself -
The sea will part before you,
Stop the rain, turn the tide.
If only you use the power within you
Needn't beg the world
To turn around and help you
If you draw on what you have within you
Somewhere deep inside.

RUSTY
Starlight Express, Starlight Express,
Are you real, yes or no?
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don't want you to go.

STARLIGHT
Rusty you're blind, look in your mind -
I'm there. Nothing's new
The Starlight Express is no more nore less
Than you Rusty. I am you.
I'm you and

STARLIGHT / RUSTY
Only you/I am the Starlight.
Have the power within you/I can achieve
Just believe in yourself/anything
The sea will part before you
Stop the rain and turn the tide/
All the things I didn't believe.

If only you/I am the Starlight.
Have the power within you/I can achieve
Just believe in yourself/anything
The sea will part before you
Stop the rain and turn the tide/
All the things I didn't believe.
If only you/I am the Starlight,
Use the power within you/I can see it through.
Needn't beg the world to turn around and help you
If you draw on what is deep inside.

RUSTY
I won't let you down.

And I hope that I won't let you down either! 
 

Deactivation

I have deactivated my account on FB, maybe I will come back, maybe not.

There are several reason for it, you can ask me if you want to know. (E-mail and mobile phone are still available and will stay available)