生き残りた

Es ist mal wieder Zeit für einen Blogeintrag. Eigentlich sollte ich schlafen, aber kann es nicht, meine Gedanken rasen. Es ist seltsam wie einen extreme Ereignisse Dinge stärker bewusst werden lassen. Es ist heute oder genauer eigentlich gestern etwas ziemlich schlimmes passiert, ich werde da nicht ins Detail gehen, nur dass es ziemlich heftig war.

Bereits der Freitag war ein sehr schicksalshafter Abend, ich hatte wieder einen Erinnerungstraum und als ich abends im Bett lag wurde mir plötzlich etwas bewusst- ich habe überlebt. Ich habe all diese Sachen überlebt und das sogar einigermaßen gut sogar. Andere wären vielleicht den Drogen oder anderen Rauschmitteln verfallen, oder hätten Selbstmord begangen oder nur noch vor sich hinvegetiert. Ich hingegen habe meine Probleme und bin gewiss nicht der schnellste Student- im Gegenteil, aber ich habe vieles zuwege gebracht und werde auch den Magister noch schaffen. Ich habe mich an der Uni durchgeboxt, obwohl viele nicht an mich geglaubt haben und sagten lass das mit Japanologie, das ist viel zu schwer für dich... ich habe mich in Japan behauptet, Verluste ertragen, immer gearbeitet.... ich habe sogar gelernt mit Männern einigermaßen umzugehen. Alles hat seine Spuren hinterlassen, das ohne Zweifel, aber im Grunde lebe ich ein durchaus normales Leben. Ich habe überlebt und bin am leben!

Im Gegensatz zu vielen anderen mit einer ähnlichen Biografie oder anderen, die sich verführen lassen zu Rauschmitteln und anderen Dingen. Menschen, die es nicht schaffen 'Nein`zu sagen oder abhängig machen von bestimmten Personen, die sie vielleicht sogar misshandeln oder Menschen, die sich gehen lassen, habe ich das vollbracht. Ich bin stark und war immer stark, nur habe ich es nie gemerkt wie stark, nur mein Totem hat es immer gewusst. Eigentlich hätte es mir klar sein müssen, die weiße Schlange ist ein mächtiger Schutzgeist, der nicht viele Menschen auswählt. Aber wie das so manchmal ist, man sieht den Wald vor lauter Bäumen nicht- selbst nicht wenn es mit dem blinkenden Leuchtschild kommt *lach*. Soviele Menschen sind schwach im Willen, etwas dass mir traurigerweise die letzten 24h bewusst wurde. Meine Therapeutin sagte mal zu mir, ich hätte eine große Gabe, dass ich es vermag mich selber aus den Depressionen herauszuziehen- etwas das sehr selten sei, denn die meisten Menschen vermögen es nicht. Es ist schon einige Wochen her, dass sie mir dies gesagt hatte, heute wurde es mir extremst bewusst WAS das bedeutet- und dass ich mein relativ normales Leben eben auch dieser Gabe, dieser inneren Stärke verdanke. Alles geschieht nicht ohne Grund, dass ich so liebe Freunde habe ist nicht ohne Grund, dass man sich auf mich verlässt, mich gern hat- all diese Dinge werden mir nach und nach bewusst.

Somit wurde mal wieder bewiesen, dass etwas Schreckliches etwas Schönes hervorbringen kann. Auch werden mir viele Träume bewusst oder genauer gesagt beginne ich sie zu verstehen, der Phönix, das weiße Pferd.... all diese Elemente tauchen immer wieder auf und wollen mir nur eins zu verstehen geben- du bist stark, du wirst deinen Weg gehen... you will rise like a phoenix.... when you are ready.... wiedergeboren aus der Asche meiner Vergangenheit werde ich meine Ziele erreichen, stark, stolz und schön- auch wenn das jetzt vielleicht bisschen albern klingt, ich weiß...
Nun.... ja manchmal muss es eben mit der Holzhammermethode kommen nicht wahr? -und ich werde wie ich schon so oft gedacht habe diese Dinge auch als Tätowierungen nach und nach umsetzen.

Out of the dark- into the light

Es ist lange her, dass ich einen Blogeintrag geschrieben habe. Mittlerweile ist das Jahr 2014 vorbei und 2015 auch schon bald 2 Wochen alt- ein komisches Gefühl... 

2014 war definitiv ein sehr seltsames Jahr, allein dadurch, dass ich kaum an der Uni war und stattdessen mich auf Therapie und Job konzentriert habe, aber auch in anderen Dingen. Insbesondere natürlich die Therapie hat viele Dinge zur Sprache gebracht, von  denen ich nur leichte Ahnungen hatte. Auch wenn ich oft genug alles hinschmeißen wollte, so habe ich mich bis heute durchgebissen, bis ans Ende der ersten Einheit. Ob ich eine Verlängerung bekomme liegt nun an meiner Krankenkasse, ein Antrag wird in jedem Fall gestellt. Mittlerweile ist es auch so, dass ich selbst merke, was sich verändert hat und nicht nur die Anderen ;). Es war ein sehr langer, steiniger und schmerzhafter Weg bis hierhin und es ist bei weitem noch nicht alles geschafft- an das eigentliche Trauma haben wir bislang nur gekratzt- ich wollte es nicht anders, zudem waren die Folgeerscheinungen sehr viel bedeutsamer.

Im November hatte ich dann auch einen Therapeutenwechsel, da meine erste Therapeutin in eine andere Stadt wechselte- im Endeffekt hat sich das sehr positiv ausgewirkt. Ich kam gut zurecht mit der ersten, aber mit meiner neuen Therapeutin besteht eine noch bessere Chemie. Einige wichtige neue Erkenntnisse habe ich ihr zu verdanken.   

Nun was kann ich zu 2014 sagen?! Es war eindeutig ein sehr schmerzhaftes und emotionales Jahr, natürlich gab es auch sehr schöne Momente, aber die Gesamtheit des Jahres war eher schwierig und schmerzhaft- und ich habe gewiss den einen oder anderen in den Wahnsinn getrieben mit meinen Stimmungsschwankungen und allem. An dieser Stelle möchte ich noch einmal danke sagen, dass die meisten noch da sind und immer noch versuchen mich aufzumuntern und für mich da sind. Ich weiß ich bin nicht einfach, auch wenn ich langsam erkenne woran es liegt- was damals passiert ist- nun das hat dazu geführt, dass ich mich auf der einen Seite extrem nach Liebe und Nähe sehne, auf der anderen Seite aber auch plötzlich alle von mir stoße, wenn die Aggressionen hochkommen, die sich im eigentlichen Sinne weder gegen mich noch gegen meine Freunde und Familie richten- doch in Ermangelung des eigentlichen Zieles richtet sich die Wut, die Aggression entweder gegen mich selbst oder gegen denjenigen, der das Pech hat in meiner Nähe zu sein. Das klingt merkwürdig ich weiß und wahrscheinlich schwer zu verstehen. Es wird auch noch einige Zeit dauern bis ich das überwunden habe, aber ich arbeite daran.

Momentan bin ich noch wie ein kleiner, verschüchterter Vogel,dessen Flügel gebrochen waren, der obwohl er weiß, dass er eigentlich fliegen kann, es noch nicht wagt sich wieder in die Lüfte, den Himmel zu schwingen.- aber das wird wieder kommen, dessen bin ich mir sicher.

2014 hat mir auch andere Erkenntnisse gebracht, auch wenn es jetzt vielleicht etwas albern klingt  und ich oft genug noch daran zweifele, will ich es aufschreiben:

* Ich weiß, dass ich nicht auf den Kopf gefallen bin, im Gegenteil wahrscheinlich sogar mit einer hohen Intelligenz ausgestattet bin, die andere bewundern und beneiden.

* Ich weiß, dass ich liebenswert bin, dass es einen Grund gibt, warum zB die Kunden, meine Kollegen mich derartig mögen und auch vermissen, wenn ich nicht da bin.

* Ich erahne eine Stärke in mir, derer ich nie zuvor direkt bewusst war, dass ich die Gabe habe, mich selber aus tiefen Depressionen rauszuziehen, auch wenn es manchmal etwas dauert, dass ich trotz allem, was passiert ist, mich durchgebissen habe und einiges erreicht habe- vielleicht nicht in Rekordzeit, aber in gewisser Weise grenzt es schon an ein Wunder, dass ich so weit gekommen bin- wie zB dass ich arbeiten gehe, dass ich studiere und bis zu einem gewissen Rahmen ein recht normales Leben führe und nicht aufgegeben habe und auch immer noch daran glaube, dass alles am Ende gut werden wird.

Insofern.... out of the dark, into the light.... beschreibt 2014 sehr gut.

自力更生

自力更生 (jirikikôsei) means self help, redemption in one's own right. Literally meaning strength by myself and rebirth or regeneration.

These last weeks I wanted to find a way how to cope with these special moments, where I lost myself in desperation. I have tried many things and some helped, but only for the moment and not all the time- in Harry Potter words- it hadn't been strong enough to create a corporal patronus.

The funny thing is, that all the time I have already known about my 自力更生. Long time ago, in summer 2005 I had a very hard time, the reasons won't matter anymore, but it had been a time of desperation. Before the certain event I had ordered some dvds of the Japanese artist Gackt after my first introduction to him through Malice Mizer- a Japanese Visual Kei band, which he left in 1999. The dvds had arrived some days after the event. The moment the first song had been performed on screen I had gone through a transformation, all the bad thoughts had been swept away and started to be happy again, but it also gave me strength to do things by myself and change a lot in my life. 

All these years I had followed Gackt's activities to a certain amount, but never considered myself a Gackt fan until one friend of mine, to whom I told this bout of laughter, and said, noooooooooo you aren't a Gackt fan, you simply happen to have all his albums, all his dvds,  fotobooks and magazines with him, went right away to his concert in Bochum, and talking about him now and then, defending him when someone is saying bad things about him and much more., even thinking of a tattoo... but you`re right you aren't a Gackt fan.
Yeeeeesss, seems I didn't acknowledge this certain matter- to be honest, I also had a Gackt calender once and wanted to dedicade my first book to him..... funny how one is looking at some stuff. ;)
Well back on topic- when that certain friend and I had been in Japan, doing Working Holiday, the beginning had been a rough time- especially about finding a job, and I had felt very bad and worthless, my friend wanted to cheer me up, and so I got the pick on a night's dvd and I said, I know that you don't like Gackt so much, but he always cheers me up- so we watched one of his live dvds, which I had taken with me to Japan. Immediately he swept away the bad thoughts and I felt better and some days later I had found a job :).

But I simply had forgotten about this matter, it had been a pure coincidence, or maybe destiny that I wanted to see one of his concerts recently- and bamm.... my world turned bright again. Today I told my therapist about him and that I have found my 自力更生 at last.

It's not only his voice or his music, it's everything together, that he is such a kind person, that he has emotional problems as well, that he wants to give his fans, his Dears, strength to carry on until they are going to reach their goals, live their dreams. During his first tour as a solo artist, Mars Tour, in 2000, he has written a long prologue and and epilogue,broadcasted on the dvd and vhs release, in which he said that, when people are carrying on thanks to his music- then he will be accomplished as an artist.- Maybe that's why I feel what I feel through his music, maybe I will never know, but what is important is that it helps to turn on the light in the darkest night- and that:

If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.
~ Gackt

A special song of him- Returner- 闇の終焉 (yami no shuen (demise of darkness in English)):

咎

咎(toga) is one of the Japanese word for guilt, but in it's verb version 咎める(togameru) also meaning to blame, feeling guilty, it's a traditional Japanese verb, rarely used today, part of Bungo- classical Japanese.

In one of my recent entries I have talked about guilt, and it seems to be an important factor in my life. I have always taken the blame for things happening, I took the responsibility all the time no matter what had happened and have even punished myself for it. Thinking I had done something wrong, that I am to blame for the events. But very important is- even when you are feeling guilty, it doesn't mean it's your fault nor that you have to be punished for it.

Last week I wanted to stop therapy, as I felt so bad about it, now I will continue and I realized how many people are out there, who really care for me. They have helped me so much last week with their words and actions, so much I can't say thank you often enough. I love you. It had been a really hard week, but also a week of awareness of a special sort. I realized that it isn't always me, who is to blame. It's not my problem when people are not able to cope with me. It will be a long road to go until the message really sinks in- naturally, it could take years, but the most important step is the realization- and that's what had happened the last days. I wanted to thank one dear friend of mine, who had helped me to see clear, that I had already given myself all the answers of the questions, I got, but haven't noticed yet. Thank you!

Feeling Lost

Today is a day, which is very complicated for me. I had a panic attack tonight. I was watching one of D'espairs Ray's Live DVDs and had been totally happy that day- but.... well yes but.... I had been planning to go to the Sukekiyo concert on 21st September in Bochum, although I had a phase in which I didn't want to go anymore, recently I had been full of anticipation and wanted to go. Well- but... the mean but.... while watching the DVD I had been thinking of the incoming concert and from one moment to the other I had a really bad panic attack, I could hardly breathe, crying a lot.... and I realized I can't go. At the moment it would be too much for me, the assembly of strangers in one room, all the emotions and mostly unkind Kyo-fangirlies, strange men.... I just can't go. It had been really bad in April, when I went with a friend to a Subway to Sally concert, but compared to now it had been nothing in April....
The whole day I feel really bad, close to crying by just thinking of the concert. The same goes for the baptism of my nephew a week after the concert- I won't attend either. Guess my brother will be totally mad at me, but I remember the baptism of my niece 3 years ago, it ended with me crying in bed for many hours. I think something has triggered me then, I assume it's my sister in law's father's appearance. He is a very kind man, but well.... you know.

I cried the whole night until 6 in the morning, before I finally went to sleep. I had a very strange dream. I dreamt of going with my parents and sister to my cousin, who has married to the USA in 2009, she lived in a strange village near the sea. A huge stairway were going up a cliff coast. I had been a cold winter day with lots of snow and ice on the beach, a frozen sea. My family wanted to climb the stairs as my cousin lived on the top, first I didn't want to go, as I were thinking you will never made the way up that stairs, but in the end after I while I followed my family, it had been hard and exhausting, but in the end I arrived much earlier than I thought I would, as I needn't to climb up to the very top in the end- then I woke up with a cramp in the calf. ;)- I thought about this dream the whole day and now I came to the conclusion it means that all my efforts will finally come to a happy end, it will be exhausting and sometimes I want to give up, but in the end I can get through and will reach the goal much faster than I thought I would. The snow and the ice is symbolizing me, my soul.... many years ago I had a dream of a vacation with my mother and sister, in which I ran away from them, outside to a huge frozen field full of destroyed snow men, their heads were missing, some other parts had been loopsided a.s.o., I ran through the field, but it never ended. To me it now makes senses, it shows a part of my soul. Usually my soul had been a sea or a world of colourful crystal mountains during astral projections. Guess that's what it would be, what it's true form is like, but atm I'm trapped in a frozen 'mine' field and I have to climb stair for stair to get out of it.

I feel so lost and alone.... everything appears so cold, the words of my friends and family, and it hurts so much. Again I wish to be dead to get away from the mess...

Undefined

Isn't it strange how things can change by just small incidents? As some of you already know I went swimming with a friend of mine on Sunday and she said that I should try whether the scale is showing my weight by now. For many years I didn't have the opportunity to control my weight through my attempts of losing weight, as I simply had been too heavy for it. During my stay at the clinic last year September I got my weight results for the first time in well about 4 years. I lost 10kg there, back at home I tried to continue, but well it wasn't any good. In March I started with the medication of my hypothyroidism, with a small dose, in July we went up as the results weren't any better, together with finding the cause of my overweight, it seemed to help. After all those months checking the scale and getting only 'Error' it had been an overwhelming feeling to finally see my weight on my scale. Funnily it set lose some actions, I found more courage to continue, to bring in more efforts. 

Early last week I already started with some changes in nutrition like only one- two days a week I will eat meat, drinking water again.... This week I started with Almased again- one time a day so far and my medication had been set up to 100 (75 before and 50 at the beginning). Hopefully this will help me to lose weight fast. I know so many people are saying it's not good to lose weight fast, but when you have my weight it simply must be, so you don't lose hope and faith to continue. For example when you are about 100-110kg, it's ok to lose 1kg a week, but well in certain weight areas this would mean, you will reach your weight goal in let's say 5 years? Far too long for me, I would give up, so I need a healthy nutrition/diet which will cause me to lose more, but still be in a green area. In 2005 I had lost 40kg in 3-4 months, I had been a lot lighter than now by that time ;). So I will try to lose 10kg a month in the beginning, maybe I will reach my goal, maybe not- I will see by end of August. These 10kg a month is the same percentage like 3-4kg a month for the common overweight people with 90-120kg weight. And well I gained 50-60kg in half a year in 2010, the time when my hypothyroidism started I suppose, so hopefully I will lose them in a similar time frame :). 

I know some of you don't think that way, but please do me the favour not to mention anything, I simply have too much problems with such words, so in the end your well meant action and words may cause that I will give everything up. Trust me I know what I am doing and what is best for me. So please keep your opinion in this certain matter to yourself. VERY IMPORTANT!!!! Thank you!

Well when I started this entry I didn't want to talk all about diet and sort, but maybe it's good to write it down. What I really wanted to say is that such small events like the one with the scale could give you enormous strength to carry on. For a first goal I wanted to reach my after Japan weight.

That's shown in the picture on the right (about 128kg), yes I know I don't look like that weight, but it's true. Next goal will be the 2005/6 weight (picture above) which had been about 105kg and then finally I want to fit in Mana's dresses- a size 38-40 ;). I already have several Moi même Moitié clothes and I want to fit in them at last one day :), sauntering Tokyo and Kyoto ;). On Tuesday I ordered a new Moitié dress, it had been 50% off till today, so I simply must have it and as changing nutrition has a pleasant side-effect in saving money, I put that money into the dress. I ordered the Cembalo Trio Long Chiffon Onepiece in red.(pic below) I plan on putting my money to some more Moitié items during the next months- if they should be available that long- keep fingers cross, I need some accessories and stuff ;). So my dolls have to wait a bit longer. 

Yes it really is strange how you feel after such events, I'm full of power now, hoping that the next time I'm on the scale it

will show less weight again and again.... I even started a nutrition diary, where I write down what I have eaten, which sport I have made etc- no calory counting or such, just for me, so I knew what is good and what is bad, that I have done, guess this will help me to learn proper eating and maybe even lose my eating disorder. I have to admit that since I started the medication of the hypothyroidism and then starting the therapy, learning why my body put on weight so easily, and why I lost weight so fast in Japan ( and believe me I have eaten very good, and also lots of sweets)- simply because my body were building up an armor against men, since then I haven't had any binge eating days. One time I had a bit of binge eating- but not as bad as before. I see it as a sign that I am on the right way. I want to smile again- like on those pictures I had posted here, I want to feel beautiful again, be myself and not some girl, wearing her body as an armor against those guys out there, I don't want to be afraid anymore.

 I will never let an European or African race man, coming close to me, except friendship, that's for sure, but I don't want to get those panic attacks anymore. I still get them, which is natural after all these events during the past weeks. I especially get panic attacks with African men these days. Certainly because they showed so much interest in me the last months. At the moment I can't even bear one of them close to me. I need a huge distance between them and me. (the last therapy session made me aware of my boundaries- I need them to be much larger) But even with European men I can't bear them close, although it`s not as bad as with the black ones, as usually they don't show any love interest in me and if they do, they usually accept a 'no' easier and leave me alone- not like the blacks. Exceptions make the rules of course. ;) Unfortunately we had some black guys moving to my hometowns shelters. Especially after nightfall it is very hard for me to have them on the bus (I'm afraid of the dark atm) - Yes I know you can call it racism, but honestly it has nothing to do with racism, it's just that I'm so panicked whenever I see one of them, that I only have one thought- leave me alone and don't come close, better go away, so I don't  need, I don't want you close to myself. And well there are always some of them who don't leave you alone, they have to babble, like every woman, who is on her own is dying to meet them, fair game.

It is hard enough for me these days to be around men, even when they are silent guests near me, but once I feel or know that they have a love interest I'm backing away, building up a wall and when they are not accepting 'no'- like almost all of the blacks- I'm in a nightmare, in hell. It doesn't help to be unfriendly or not to answer them, they don't stop talking, sometimes even start touching me- I want to push them away, hit them, scream, but I'm too paralyzed. At work it's a bit easier, as I have my huge desk between me and the customer, but outside I don't....
I still have to learn that, but that's a long process....

Thanks for reading. I simply had to write it down.

Starlight Express or Guilt and Trust

Yesterday I realized something important, well it's not that the thought hadn't come to me before and in a way I knew it all the time, but really realizing... well that didn't happen. It started when I talked about all the problems I have with my friends at the moment, which naturally came to pass as I'm not very easy at the moment. Well my therapist asked me whether it often happen that I blame myself for everything, and I said yes, so we talked about it. As far as my memory goes there is only one occasion which had caused this, but honestly I don't know if it is the main reason, it is a reason of course- but not everything. 

A very dear friend talked with a friend of hers and she said that when such things are happening to a child, it usually talks to the parents, but not if there isn't trust. I never talked to my parents! Something I realized some weeks ago, when my sister had some trouble with her boyfriend once he knew that she is discussing problems with our mother and my sister said, that he didn't know women are talking with their mothers. Well it hit me, while she were saying it, I never, ever talked about problems with Mom by myself, nor my sister, only with friends. We discussed some problems, when she caught me crying in bed, but nothing else, every time I talked to her or my father had been well a kind of forced talk, because they caught me crying and wanted to know what had happened- and these talks are well... maybe had had happened 2-3x in my life. Of course I talked with them about such basic stuff like studying abroad or similar, but nothing personal, only business talk. My parents have never know much about my feelings, my life. Meaning I don't trust my family, although they are very kind and I love them. Guess the lack of trust has it's reason VERY long ago, in a time I can't remember anymore, maybe when I had been 4 or 5 years old at latest. Fitting to it is, that in school I had been very shy from the beginning, always looking for support or closeness from my teacher- it even is said so in my first school report, but I have a very open personality- so it doesn't fit together.

Although I want to trust, it seems I can trust, I am always looking for confirmation, nevertheless how many times I had been told it. On the other side I always blame myself for doing things wrong. Making mistakes is horrible to me, I always wanted to be perfect and if I am doing something wrong I want to make amends. I'm lacking trust in myself and also in other people. I've always thought that I am trusting my friends, it is true up to a certain amount, I trust them with my heart in many ways, but still I'm mistrusting their judgement when it comes to me, they can tell me many times that they think I am pretty or bright- I don't believe it with all my heart. I'm still suspicious and waiting for them to tell me, that they don't want me anymore. The only thing I believe is for example when I am getting a very good mark in a test or paper by authorities, nevertheless I always think what I am writing, doing whatever is a mess. One day in winter semester I were talking with a friend, who were starting her Bachelor paper during that time, to a classmate. I don't know anymore how we came to it, but suddenly she said, that everything I have said in classes or when we were talking about our study, had been like 'Wow', really great thoughts. I guess I were looking at her in disbelief, as it were like some kind of shock, a positive shock, but still a shock, especially as she is a top A student, who I always have admired, and thought well I 'll never reach her level, and now she had been standing there, telling me that she admires me! ME! ;)
On the other side I have a bad conscience whenever I hurt my friends or say something, like being a drama queen. I telephoned with a friend tonight and she said that I am always taking the blame, calling it penance. I never notice that this behaviour may even hurt more. It seems as I am always taking the blame, the guilt of whatever is happening in my life.

Long time ago I had a RPG with a girl, which turned to be a good friend, although she had been very young then, 13. One day she said to me, your characters are always apologizing, like yourself, you don't have to.- But I couldn't stop. It's like I'm still the 12 year old girl, which saw that her harmless question has evoked a horror, a nightmarish scenario.- that's the one memory I still have about this stuff, well at least the only memory I can think of, which could have caused it. Now I know that my question about getting a new guinea pig couldn't have been the reason why happened, what had happened. I don't want to write it down, but some of you already knew what happened. From that day on, I never told anything to my family, keeping everything to myself, looking for animal company. During therapy we made an exercise in which I had to leave my guilt there, it had been strange, but well it had opened my eyes!

Now it makes sense that as teenagers and child my favourite musical had been Starlight Express, where Rusty, the steam engine, weren't trusting himself, feeling lousy and not worthy, losing everything until the Starlight Express shows him what is inside him and he beats everyone. (just one example ^^)  It had always been so close, but I never got it. I have to learn to trust others, to trust you and myself, believe in myself and believe you!

Writing now is awakening another memory, a friend of mine told me about a short story, where someone wants to reach a star, always climbing so high a mountain every night, but never reaching it, as he isn't believing in himself until one night he is standing there, and unlike the other nights he could reach the star he wanted, just because he were believing that he could do it.- my friend read me the story during a nightly telephone call, saying look that is what is you have to do, just trusting and believing. <3 br="">

So I end for tonight with Starlight Sequence:

RUSTY
Starlight Express, Starlight Express...
 
STARLIGHT
Only you have the power within you.
Just believe in yourself -
The sea will part before you,
Stop the rain, turn the tide.
If only you use the power within you
Needn't beg the world
To turn around and help you
If you draw on what you have within you
Somewhere deep inside.

RUSTY
Starlight Express, Starlight Express,
Are you real, yes or no?
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don't want you to go.

STARLIGHT
Rusty you're blind, look in your mind -
I'm there. Nothing's new
The Starlight Express is no more nore less
Than you Rusty. I am you.
I'm you and

STARLIGHT / RUSTY
Only you/I am the Starlight.
Have the power within you/I can achieve
Just believe in yourself/anything
The sea will part before you
Stop the rain and turn the tide/
All the things I didn't believe.

If only you/I am the Starlight.
Have the power within you/I can achieve
Just believe in yourself/anything
The sea will part before you
Stop the rain and turn the tide/
All the things I didn't believe.
If only you/I am the Starlight,
Use the power within you/I can see it through.
Needn't beg the world to turn around and help you
If you draw on what is deep inside.

RUSTY
I won't let you down.

And I hope that I won't let you down either! 
 

Deactivation

I have deactivated my account on FB, maybe I will come back, maybe not.

There are several reason for it, you can ask me if you want to know. (E-mail and mobile phone are still available and will stay available)

The Guardian

Tonight I had a crazy dream, I will keep it short, only the basics- but it may be confusing for you my readers:

It began with a meeting in a cellar, where I live there are many apartment blocks, mainly 2-3 stories high, usually two next to each other, their cellars connected. When I had been a child, my mom took me with her for rotary ironing- which had been in one cellar of these blocks. The very long, dim lighted cellar floors had been very frightening to me then. In one of these floors the dream started, then the location changed to a surreal city, which could have been constructed by Magritte or Gaudí or Hundertwasser or all of them, surrounded by mountains, it's skyscrapers and roller coasters soaring to the sky. Out of the sudden I had to run away, where I met a dragon, a pale gold and red dragon, fire sparking from his body, when moving, which I had seen in a dream very long ago, when I had been 12 or 13 or younger or older, it had been the same dragon. In the first dream long ago, he had guarded my house, I had been running from someone in the old dream as well, I always thought I were running from my classmates, but now I'd say I wanted to run away from my sports teacher, wanting to reach home. The dragon roared and moved to a striking position, letting me through, but nobody else- and I woke up, feeling save.

Now the dragon were accompanied by a woman for a while, whose face I couldn't see, and the dragon were playing with a cute little girl, to whom I had a strong connection, maybe the girl had been me, long ago.  Nobody else could see him, although the dragon were playing with the girl in the snow next to a train station on the railroads, people waiting for the train on the platform. While playing the dragon were spraying snow all around the scenery, I had a feeling of traveling.  Again the scenery were changing to a huge factory hall or store, I can't say which, full of toys and other stuff, but mainly toys. I had been visiting this place some weeks ago for the first time, a strange hall up to the roof with racks filled with all kind of toys, some real toys, others had been unknown toys, wished toys like special dolls, which had never been released and such kinds. The last time I had been at this place alone, now there were men, planning evil deeds and next to them a young woman, who I think had been me, not looking like myself, but I know it must have been me (maybe some of you know this feeling). The woman were plotting against those men to help the dragon woman and a man- they haven't appeared, but the thought were in my mind. But the evil men were suspicious and so they chased the woman, me, through those wall like rack streets, they had a T-Rex guardian- like a dog ;). I ran and ran, then out of the sudden the dragon appeared, one paw grabbing me, flapping it's wings, roaring and filling the hall with fire sparks (like firework), changing to an enormous size and spikes, thorn like spikes, coming out of his hide- like an armor. In slow motion he were smashing through the glass roof, I even saw those tiny splinters of glass around us, shimmering like water drops. The moment we crashed out of the glass roof I saw the sun rising over the surreal city- and woke up.( have slept well for the first time for a long time)

Before I will write down what I think about the dream, I have to go back some years ago, into the year 2006. In September 2006 a friend of mine were out, it had been a lovely evening on the Reeperbahn. It had been very late, so no trains were going to my home anymore and we had to take the night bus,well we wanted to, but missed the right bus station to get it (it had been newly installed and I weren't sure about the station) as it had been about 3 a.m. we decided to walk home- it's not so far away, about 20minutes walk, so no big deal, but a guy followed us, although he hadn`t done anything yet, we both had the strong feeling that he were up to no good and as we were about to walk a lonely road with only some houses, so we turned around a corner and into a hidden road, only dog walkers knew ;), he passed us, but were waiting very close at another bus station, looking around like he had been searching for us, so we called the police and were brought home by two very friendly and handsome young policemen. For me it had been very bad, I didn't know why then, now I know, but then.... nada... some days later I woke up from sleep in the middle of the night- (a little warning, it's getting creepy from now on)- and saw a silhouette in my room, a shadowy scheme in the moonlight. Strangely I immediately knew who he was- the being I called 'Tetsu', I haven't seen him before, but felt him being close. At first I had been afraid, but soon I realized he had been there to protect me, so I weren't afraid when he were taking form. In a way he had been immensely beautiful, but also very hideous, more a demon than an angel with long claws, he came to my bed, stroking me gently with those razor like claws, kissing me and I went back to sleep. Often I have felt him near me in dangerous situations like when my friend and I were sitting at McDonalds and some guys coming closer, trying to get us to go out with them, a bit drunken, not leaving when we were saying no. My friend told me later, that from one moment to the other I had changed, like something were acting through me, calling a very loud and firm 'No!' and the guys looking shocked, not into my face, but to a place behind me, like they were seeing something, that wasn't visible, I only felt Tetsus closeness. The guys ran away and I mean running....
The last years I hadn't thought about him so much, like I were blocking myself from many things, but lately I have often thought about him, again feeling him closer. I think Tetsu is my guardian, the dragon I have seen in those dreams. I think the dream of the last night had been a journey back into the past, not like a memory, more like a journey in pictures of a fairy tale. When I had been a child, I often had been strange my mother told me, sitting in the garden and watching the sky, talking about unicorns and other fairy creatures like they were next to me, I had a liking for graveyards as well ;). These stories and what I remember make me think that the girl in the dream is me, playing with the dragon like I had done it when I were little. My mother told me that I had done it when I had been too old for it- I never thought of it or had thought well it's just a sign of my fantasy, but now I can't turn away the thought that it might be that Tetsu had come to me the moment my sports teacher raped me. Now it even remind me of "Weeping Willow" and Tiny's Willa, a well kind of spirit which helped Tiny to overcome everything, especially when he stepfather raped her.- This thought has just come to me... sorry for being so confusing. And like Willa Tetsu won't leave me until I am strong enough.

Well back to the dream, I think the dream took me back to childhood- symbolized by the toys, something I still love, I still have a huge liking for toys, maybe because of what happened then, these things, what happened, still hunt me, and I'm running away, don't want to think about it too much, but it hunts me day and night, that much I can't bear it anymore, but I have to and the moment I confronted my incoming (emotional) death by the T-Rex, Tetsu brought me back, smashing the glass house around my heart and mind and showing me what will await me when I go on and not give up, and with it strength to carry on. I don`t know exactly who or what he is, maybe he is a demon, maybe an angel or something of both, what I know is that he had come to me, when I needed him and he is guarding me and had done it several times, maybe the lighted figure I saw, when the lightning nearly stroked a friend and me,generating a shield of light for some seconds had been him as well, as the one I saw when I reached my inner sea during an astral projection, bringing me back to shore, when I had been lost in it (I have done it accidentally, it often happens to me, that I will do it without wanting it). I don't know, maybe he is a part of my guardian angel, a form of him.

Well the dream and everything had been so strong I had to write about it. I have not found a suiting dragon pictures, only the colour of his hide (the fins)- that's the betta splendis picture ;)is for :

虎

I can't sleep (again...).... well I have to say it's a funny thing how a body can react. All those years I was putting on weight to armor myself unconsciously. Today or better these last days and especially today my body is getting crazy like my mind. I could not sleep very well and if I sleep I will do it for a short time only, waking up every hour, sweaty and restless, although I'm very, very tired. Muscle cramps, mainly feet and toes, but sometimes other muscles.Feeling hot now and had shivering attacks some hours ago. I'm thirsty like hell today, I drank a whole liter the whole night- usually nothing. Guess it's normal.

 Well what do you do, when you can't sleep, you are thinking and sometimes reading to get your mind distracted. The last week I read an old RPG story a friend of mine and me had written in 2006-2007. It had been a very personal thing and naturally some things about ourselves had flown into it. Today I wanted to mention the thing she called 虎- tora- Japanese for tiger- the main reason why I will put it in a blog, is because I think it is happening again or maybe haven't stopped at all. My friend described it by saying I'm like a wounded tiger in times I can't handle my emotions or being very sad. In a way screaming for help, a sore and bleeding being, but when people are getting closer turning everything on attack, aggressive due to the fact I want nobody to see how hurt I am, chasing everyone away, in my eyes a warning not to come closer, pushing everyone away. She also said every time this happens my eyes are turning to a pale gold colour and people are backing off. I usually do not notice the whole stuff, only sometimes hours later, when calming down. Guess if I haven't read about it some days ago, I wouldn't have thought about it today either. Well it seems I'm the tiger again..... and I would understand if you back away from me, maybe I need this- to be alone, maybe not. But whatever you do, don't let the tiger chase away the fact, that whatever I'll do, I love you.

I'm getting crazy

Yes I am getting crazy. At the moment everything is too much for me. I can't bear it anymore to be honest. All these emotions cruising inside me. I have the feeling that something is nagging inwardly, eating my heart, my organs- me. On the outside everything seems to be ok, but the inside is a nightmare, a sea of emotions- like the lyrics of 'Tanz der Vampire' (Dance of the vampires)- 'Ein Meer von Gefühl und kein Land'. All I can think of is a button, something to turn off the emotions, turn off everything. Now I can truly understand what drives people into suicide. Not that you have to be afraid that I will do something like that- it's just the thought of finding an ultimate end to these emotions. I can't handle this stuff, I can't trust anymore, I can't look into a man's eye, I can't bear the touch of males, especially when they are showing me that they are interested in me. I can bear the men I know, but no strangers, when they are coming too close. On Thursday one customer proposed to me during work. He had been a South European guy around 50-55, guess Spanish or Portuguese. He called me 'Principessa' and wanted to marry me. I said 'no' to him and he went away- well for a while, after two hours he came back, asking me if I had changed my mind or at least will go out with me, touching my hand and arm. I drove back like he had touched me with a burning knife and told him 'no' again and that he is too old for me. Luckily another customer- also from Southern Europe, interfered and told him to go away, to leave me (the young lady) alone, that he is too old for me- and he went away. The other guy had been so nice, he said I will be outside, if he will come back, call me, I will come. Guess he must have read my mind in my eyes, as he had been very kind and smiling. Luckily 5minutes later I had to close the store. The same day an old man touched my back and hip when I was filling the fridge for the cold drinks. It had been horrible, I know it is wrong, but I feel so filthy, I want to shower all the time- I won't, but the urge is there.

I can't handle the nightmares, I've never remembered what they are about, but waking up with a bad feeling, scared and horrible, sometimes sweaty and crying, but when I tried to remember all that is left is blackness. The only thing that helps is singing the song, I had mentioned in my last entry about my patronus. But well as it is just a memory, after a while I feel lonely, used and disposed again. The whole stuff caused a huge fight with a friend of mine- at the moment I just have the feeling to hurt everyone around me, I am not good for my friends- so I have decided to turn back- in the end when you are alone you can't be hurt and can't hurt someone,- I know it's not good to do this, but I can't.... not anymore.  I have turned off my telephone (if you want to call me, send me a Sms, if I can stand it, I will turn on the phone for a call). Well I know that this behavior may hurt you all even more, but you will see in the end it will give you more time for yourself and you will feel better again and free. The same friend said, that I need love  more than anything else, but well there is no such love for me here, and I don't want a boyfriend, husband whatever when I have to be afraid that he will run away, as he can't bear me either. (and well to find it, I have to be in Japan) Long time ago a good friend of mine told me I'm like Megara from Disney's 'Hercules'- maybe she had been right, well she said that she want to be alone as well, as then nobody can hurt you, and she didn't want to give her love room.- like me. Well maybe in the end I will get my one man like she did, but now I'm afraid I can't. 

Yesterday a friend of mine said, that I've been in love for many years- grinning while saying it. Maybe she's right, but that's not easy either and I fear maybe part of the whole emotion dilemma. I really, truly don't know what I am feeling at the moment. I'm full of hate, fear, sadness, agony and pain, with something mixed I can't decipher. Guess that doesn't make any sense, but at the moment I'm afraid nothing does make sense. Well and I feel so ugly.....

Ok, now I have written it down, maybe it will help you all to understand me and what I am doing.

The picture is a work painted by Franz Marc (one of my favourite painters) from 1914, called 'Kämpfende Formen', according to him only abstract works can show the soul and spirit. There are many interpretations of this work, to me it symbolizes the battle of two forces, maybe you can call it good and evil or whatever you like. This pictures is how my soul is in this very moment, the first thing I thought about, when looking for a blog pictures.

Patronus

I can't sleep, so it's time for a short new entry. Guess all of you know the idea of a patronus from Harry Potter. Well that's also how I call my safe spot. My therapist introduced me to the idea of the safe spot. It's a place in your mind or imagination, where you can return whenever you feel frightened. In the beginning I had to build up a kind of room or place. I tried and found a place, but it didn't really work, so I thought of the patronus ideas- as the thought of a pensieve helped me to make the bank vault exercise, where you put in memories, you don't want to think of at the moment. Guess I'm more the Harry Potter type ;).
Well instead of a room or space I tried to do the safe spot exercise with a strong memory, like you had to use in the Harry Potter novels to perform the patronus spell- and it worked. It's a very personal and wonderful memory for me- some of you I told about it. Seems love is the thing when it comes to feeling safe and happy. As it`s very personal, I won`t describe the memory, instead I will give you a short song quotation from the movie 'Legend', which perfectly describes the feeling and situation of my patronus memory:

Living river, turn light to diamonds
When I look in my true love's eyes.
Like a child feels watching a rainbow.
Like a bird feels the first time it flies.
I feel magic stirring within me,
When I look in my true love's eyes.

 

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)

This week I started with Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). Yesterday my therapist tried to do it with me. I had remember an emotional scenery- of course we started with one, who wasn't really bad, on a spectrum from 1-10, it had been a 2. First of thought of my car accident in 2004, but my therapist said after I told her the scenary, that that memory is too hard for now, so I chose one from very long ago. In my riding years I naturally had some minor accidents due to falling from the horse, one had been a bit more frightening. It had been winter and the ground had been frozen. My horse had been ridden by another girl before me, so I didn`t saddle her up. When we were cantering the saddle belt got lose and the saddle had been slipping to the side- naturally I fell and as it had been a western saddle I couldn't get my foot out of the stirrup so easily. Luckily Dolamia were stopping almost immediately- so she didn't drag me on the frozen ground. But as she had been a very fast horse and the ground had been very hard, the fall had been not easy. In the end I had been lucky, as the helmet protected me- so I only got a mild concussion and some bruises on my side, mainly the hip. But I were knocked out for some seconds. My teacher had been terrified, I remember her very white face, when I were opening my eyes again. I got up, saddled Dolamia and with some help of my teacher I got back on horseback. I wanted to ;). Naturally we ended the lesson very slowly. I didn't lose my faith in Dolamia or horses- my trust had been unswerving, but for a while I had been not so keen to canter and I had to stay in bed for a week.
Well that's the scenery I had to think of, using a expression to describe what I had felt- which had been I'm losing control.
My therapist were flapping her fingers before my eyes, while I had been thinking of the situation. At first my old fear were flashing up. I felt as if something is constraining my chest, I could hardly breathe and my stomach were flipping up, I felt uneasy. After each session I had to tell my feelings to my therapist and she told me to continue to hold the feeling, even if it is uncomfortable. After each session I felt better, for a moment I felt really dizzy, like I had been riding a carrousel to long. In the end the bad emotions went away, I felt comfortable again and nothing frightening were in my mind. They don't really know how it works, only that it works- it's one the miracles of the brain and body.

Well I left my session with a good feeling, but later something really strange happened. I had been telephoning with a friend of mine- we were talking about my job, I just wanted to tell her that my overwork hours had simply been forgotten to be send to the local chief (not only mine, of all of us)- well it lead to almost a fight, I were crying, could hardly talk anymore and in the end we had to stop telephoning. The same happened yesterday. I felt so frightened, so angry, so full of hate of myself I even started to scratch myself again- only one stroke- but it took me a very, very hard fight to lay down the scissors and not to continue anymore. I had laid almost paralyzed in my bed, crying and screaming- it had been a nightmare. In a way it reminded me of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, when Voldemort had started to use the connection between him and Harry, and Harry told his friends that he had felt so angry all the time, he even thought of himself as bad person- guess many of you recall the scenery. I'm certain that this happened because of the EMDR- it has started to work, one of the averse effects of EMDR is that you are going through a lot to emotions, the symptoms could get worse for a while. That for my therapist gave me her telephone number, so I could reach her, if I should need her.
Even though we started with something really harmless, with no really bad feelings like this riding accident, it has evoked such strong emotions like hate, aggression and fear. At the moment I'm bit fearful of what will happen if we continue to the really, really bad things, far more worst than my car accident, which is a 7. Somewhere inside me there must be stored a lot of hate, fear and aggression- and make me think of the incident I had told you in an earlier entry about my poor sweet guinea pig Bommel, which I hat hit with my flute so badly. I have the feeling that this incident must have happened very soon after the abuse, as those feelings were deeply buried in the following years, only to flash for a second in some moments during my life. Hate about me, my family and all the people in my early life. Writing this down awakens a feeling of betrayal, I feel betrayed by all these people, although I know how should they have known? 

What helps me during these last 2 days is the song 'Running', guess many of you may know it, as it had been the Hungary ESC song of this year's contest, it's a song about child abuse. I want to give you the lyrics:


Silent cries
Every night
This Pain don't ever leave her life
Daddy's home
So she tries to hide
She calls for Mom
But never a reply
She cries cries cries
she's all alone
Daddy why why why
Leave me alone
She calls for help
She calls for help
But no one seems to care
She calls for help but no one seems to care
She keeps on running running running
from this crazy life
She keeps on running running running
Never sees the Light
I can see the angels standing by your side
it'll be alright
She's back again
Just one more time
Just wants to see her mother smile
She can't forget
Her only child
Mama let the devil in her house
She cries cries cries
she's all alone
Daddy why why why
Leave me alone
She calls for help
She calls for help
But no one seems to care
She calls for help but no one seems to care
She keeps on running running running
from this crazy life
She keeps on running running running
Never sees the Light
I can see the angels standing by your side
it'll be alright
She cries cries cries
Daddy why why why
she keeps on running running running
from this crazy life
keeps on running running
oh oh ohhhh
it'll be alright 

Soo well I will end this entry with his words, as it will be a very hard time for me, and for my family and friends, but in the end I hope.... : 

I can see the angels standing by your side- it'll alright!

The high cost of psychological illness

Today hasn't been the first day I thought about the cost of being psychological ill. I have often thought about it, and well one thing is certain- people who aren't suffering the same stuff, could never fully understand you. They could try of course, but well as hard as it sounds- they can never fully understand. Thinking about it, reminded me of something I told one interviewer from a research study- during my first study I had been part of one- well I volunteered- it had been about students from non academic families. I've said that my feelings concerning my family had been like watching them through a glass house. As much as I love them, I'm going away from them- to some place, where they can't follow, as they missing the same experience and I could never go back. Now it's the same about my trauma and with the people I love. It seems like they can't follow me. I have a very, very dear friend, who experienced abuse like me during childhood- we are talking a lot about it, as we are both in therapy at the moment. Maybe it sounds dramatic, but honestly I'm very happy about it- that I have someone I can trust and talk to, I wouldn't know what to do without her at the moment. I love you.

My dear friends, naturally you can try to understand me, try to imagine what I have gone through- but the horror of the whole thing- you can only guess. Maybe it sounds a bit arrogant or over dramatic, I would understand if you were thinking such thoughts. But it`s true. Abuse, rape and similar delinquencies do something horrible to you- one can hardly explain. You are full of fear and even the slightest touching can be a nightmare, you are mistrusting almost anyone, your body is trembling inwardly all the time- often disguised by a lovely smile. Even the most harmless situation can give you the creeps. Situations, which are natural to everyone else, like being alone with a fellow student in one classroom, or entering a concert hall filled with many men, or even going to the doctor or being alone with your brother or father. I had always been a terrible child once my mother and sister are going out for an evening- leaving me alone with father and brother. Of course nothing ever happened, but for me it had been hell. I were crying and even hid the tickets for 'Cats', so my sis and mother couldn't go. In the end I had shown them the hideaway and they reached merely the theatre in time. I even had problems with entering the bath tub after my brother or father had been in it for many years. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and father very much, but well they are male.... and that's all it takes to set off a whole bunch of reactions I can't control. With Asian men it is different, I have been told that this is due to the fact that Asian people have totally different eye shapes and face lines than European and African people, these eyes, these faces will never trigger what the other races will trigger. They would never remind me of what has happened. This also explains why I had felt so comfy in Japan. I have never been afraid when spending time or just meeting them on the streets or in trains with Japanese men, I had been very shy, especially when I liked them, yes, but not scared. I needed my time with them, once it came to sexual things, so when meeting Takahiro I wanted my friend to join me on the first date, but that had been all. I had never been afraid when spending time with him, I liked his touch and his kisses. I liked their looks, when I had been passing by. But every touch or look of the same sort from European or African men gives me the creeps. So well it seems like I have to marry an Asian guy ;).

My therapist explained it by comparing what had happened with a mirror, my brain tried to erase the memory like smashing a mirror, but the pieces are still there- deeply buried in my brain. Simple things like a look, a smell, a colour, a sound or anything else is marked on a single mirror shard. Seeing, feeling, smelling....  one of the things triggers and is evoking a strong declining reaction or emotion like crying heavily from one moment to the other.

To protect you, the brain is building a lot of walls, building an inner fortress. It can be that your body is putting on weight- as a visible armor, other are going the other way and the body can't put on enough weight. Anorexia, bulimia or adiposity are in that case merely an attempt of your brain to protect you. The whole stuff isn't done consciously, the body is doing it on it's own accord. In a way those diseases are just a way to show that something is wrong, a cry. In most cases doctors and family try to heal only the symptoms- diets for example, but naturally nothing is helping for long. In most cases these attempts to help you, worsens the whole thing. You are feeling like something is wrong with you, that you have to change something to please your family or friends. You feel worse and anorexia or adiposity is getting more and more terrible. It's a vicious circle. Many people are losing one's grip- sometimes it can even cause suicide. I have had such thoughts myself very often. I've never attempted it, for me it ended in self-mutilation- border line syndrome. I scratched 'hate' into my skin many times, luckily I didn't have any razors, so the wounds hadn't been really deep- I had used nail scissors, but some scars remained- now hidden by a tattoo.

Giving the memory space, like it is needed to hopefully lose the trauma, is very, very hard- and often very difficult for the people, who are close to you, I know. At the moment I'm afraid of losing some friends, for whom it is too hard to take me at the moment, which make me think that something is wrong with me. As much as I like to be who I had been a while ago, I can't, so please, please understand or try to understand why I don`t want to stay overnight or don't want to meet you on some days. I still love you very,very  much, but it is so hard and I don't feel strong enough to stay away from home, my save haven at this moment. I want to go, but I can't. And I don`t want to lose you.

Remembrall

Today had been a very hard day for me, to be honest it started about a week ago, after therapy, I turned to be a troubled sleeper. A very dear friend of mine told me, that's because of processing the whole thing. My mind is restless due to therapy- well she had been right. Today I got a piece of what happened a long time ago, and what caused the whole dilemma. You already know of my fear of men- well I thought for a long time, that something must have happened, something that had been erased from my mind for a long time, but what caused the fear, the weight problem- I wanted to be unattractive for men, as if the fat is some armor, which protect me from them. I often thought during classes well in case some rapist are entering the classroom, they would have never chosen me.
In 2006 I met a girl, who turned to be a very good friend of mine for a while, at that time, I was almost happy with my weight, but after a while I gained weight again- I always wondered why, but now I guess I have the conclusion, she told me about her abuse during childhood and also men showed a lot of interest in me- I guess that had been too much, I wanted my safety armor again.

Well today, it started:
All had been dark- black, a pure blackness, unnatural blackness surrounded my view, out of this blackness a face, a male face appeared, the face of my sports teacher from elementary school. during therapy last week I realized that the whole thing must have happened between 2nd and 4th grade, I had been thinking about him on Saturday at first after a long time, when I remembered that my mother told me- I had been out of elementary school for a while at that time, that my sports teacher had been accused of abuse- he must have found a way out of it, as he still teaches at that school. (he had been a young teacher during my time) He must have come back to the school, as for a while he had not taught at this school. What had been quite interesting is, that I can remember all my teachers faces, not perfectly of course, but I can- except his face, whenever I tried to, I merely saw a man with an empty, black face.
Tonight I remembered his face, when he were grabbing at me out of the blackness. - I woke up with a scream, my whole body trembling, I could barely breathe, tears were running out of eyes- and I knew!
I immediately had to turn on the lights, although it had morning already, and not very dark in my room and grabbed one of my dolls (Mana) to calm me down. It helped a bit. I lit a lavender incense stick and brew me chase devil/ St. Johns wort (Hypericum perforatum) tea- I needed it to bring me down. I couldn't sleep for a while, but in the end the tea and the incense brought me some more sleep.

Unfortunately I had to work today, I managed and I think it had been good in the end, as one of colleagues talked to me about her daughter, who went through abuse during vocational school, she gained a lot of weight as well and started therapy some weeks ago- and when she told me, I told her today about this, and it had been good, and I feel safe with her knowing about that.

The girl inside II

Today my therapist and I talked about sense and emotions in my life, meaning what gives me a good feeling in my life. These last days, during the long weekend I realized what really is of importance for me: J-Rock- my bands and everything that is connected to it like fashion, Japan, music in general. The happiest years of my life so far had been the years 2005-2010- although there had been some very hard times- my friends will know of what or better whom I am speaking- but even when considering these things, it had been a splendid time. My therapist asked me today when it started and I realized it began with the concert of Dir en grey in 2005. I started to listen to their music some months before the news of the Berlin concert, when I got the newsletter from Neotokyo about it, I knew immediately that I wanted to go to the concert. I had never attended a concert before, I had been afraid and no band made me wish to see them live before, but nevertheless I wanted to go. A friend of mine, who introduced me to Dir en grey through our RPG, joined me for the concert, but I would have gone to Dir en grey anyway. The upcoming concert made me think about costumes, fashions and other stuff, I wanted to do all my life- now I found the courage to do it. I dyed my hair black with blue highlights, wore the fashion

I wanted to wear- well you can imagine. The Dir en grey Berlin weekend had been really wonderful and made me wish to do it again and again. By end of the summer I went through a really difficult time, crying a lot, but the opportunity of going to several concerts gave me strength. I went to see Mucc in Hamburg- I didn't know the band earlier, but when Tatsurou started to sing it had been like he was screaming out what I felt at that time, all the pain and fear went away while he had been singing. Especially 'Kuchiki no tou' released everything inside. Although things remained the same, now I have found a way to compensate. The same month I went to Astan Festival in Münster and planned a trip to Munich for D'espairs Ray & Kagerou. The trip had been gorgeous and I met the band, which turned to be my favourite- D'espairs Ray. J-Rock changed me and my life, I finally could be myself. In the end J-Rock lead to my change in study- I finally changed it to Japanology and even applied for a study opportunity in Japan in 2006. I met new friends through different ways, went to many concerts in Germany. Dir en grey, Moi dix Mois, Kagerou, The GazettE.... especially Mana had been and still is very important to me. He is kind of a mentor to me. 

My life changed a lot and finally had been in order, I felt happy with my weight (after a diet), wore what I liked, started a new job, a new study, traveled a lot.

I often visited a friend in Bremen and we started our 'Schmachtabende' (kind of difficult to translate), we spend evening and nights with watching concerts or movies like 'Moon child'. Many weekends we spent time with our concert dvds, talking, writing RPGs and enjoying handsome men on screen ^^. My friend worked for an university radio, so she introduced me with interviews and such stuff with the musicians- oh we had a lot of fun doing them ;). Usually I had been afraid of men, but these guys didn't scare me off- I felt save being around them, no fears of being molested or worst awoke in me at any time. It's still like that- I am suspicious any time a European or African man approaches me, I blog myself away and have no interest in them- I rather wish they would

leave me alone, but well with Asian guys, it's different.

In 2007 I made many more journeys and in the end went to Japan the first time. My study time in Kyoto had been darkened by many personal affairs, especially by who I thought had been my best friend, but also by a girl from the group. Again J-Rock gave me the strength to carry on. I went to as many concerts as possible, I enjoyed being in Japan and being part of that culture. Every concert was like being home and with friends. During Working Holidays J-Rock had been a great part of our lives as well. We went to many concerts, met bands, did interviews and so on....
Well this weekend when watching 'Nameless Liberty Six Guns' as research for one of my Minimee dolls, I finally understood that this music, this culture is really important for me. It still gives me strength and maybe even the fact that I have sold all my other dolls, as I weren't satisfied with them, but

kept my Minimee dolls and love them, is part of that. Well finally I knew what is important to me and what I need to do to reach my goals. I need this music, this bands and these guys ;). Other concerts have never gave me what J-Rock concerts gave me. It seems like J-Rock is home to me-well at least in a way. I need concerts, music, 'Schmachtabende' with my friends, my Minimee dolls, my special styling and fashion to be myself and be happy! And maybe my dream will come true, that  I am able to live in Japan again, working there and well maybe even found a man to love and to be loved.

The girl inside I

I can't remember the time when I was slim, although there had been a time when I had a totally normal weight. But these times appear just like a dream of time long ago. What is inside my mind is the feeling of being worthless due to being fat and the words, which have cut my soul in pieces. Guess this isn't something people want to read, but I figure it necessary to speak up for maybe it will help heal my inside- at last. At the age of 7 I had been a totally normal weighted girl, but then- I don't know for sure what changed me, it could be that my mother started working again or something else, something I have forgotten, but what is still in me and I need to figure it out. What I can remember of my childhood is that lots of it had been happy, but also the strong urge to prove myself, the wish of being noticed. I wasn't an easy child, I'm fully aware of it, and I were crying and screaming a lot. But I also had been lonely, so lonely that I turned mean towards other beings:

One day, I don`t know the reason anymore I were crying, feeling helpless, biting myself and then hitting my guinea pig- something that still hunts me, as that maybe years later turned into guinea pig paralysis, the reason why she died. I took my flute and hit my beloved Bommel, while screaming in agony, and I remember her hint legs being paralysed for some seconds, it turned better soon and she lived for several years afterwards, but I hurt her as I hurt some else. I accidentally choked a bunny to his death and one day I took a birds nest, looking at the baby birds inside, watching them die, crying- but nobody noticed. These are the things which will hunt me my whole life, especially as without animals I wouldn`t life anymore. One day I chased our dog through the house, I don`t know the reason either, there is only a feeling of a deep, deep pain and that nobody is seeing it, I had been crying many, many times. My parents love me, but I never told them all these things, as I wanted to spare them the pain. Especially my mother. First I had been a Daddy's girl, but later I had fears of being alone with males, not that my father or brother ever did anything. I don`t know what happened, all I could remember are some things, but these couldn't turn into this kind of fear:

When I still had been in elementary school my only male teacher had been my sport's teacher, when someone forgot their sports clothes he let us do sport in our underwear. Some boys took this as an invitation to drag the girls panties down. While visiting one girl in the protectory, one boy offered me sexually explicit things- at the age of 8 or 9. - But that's all I remember. I used to walk with our dog during that time, Senta, an Irish Terrier, she had been quite small but very tough- nobody from  the family knows why, but from one day to the other she turned very, very aggressive towards men and boys of a certain age, the only males she tolerated where my father and brother. Every other male had been attacked by her fiercely. 

When changing towards middle school my life began to turn hell. I hadn't been particularly fat, a bit chubby, but nothing really big, I weighted about 70-75kg at a size of 160cm. But even though there were two other kids in my class, who were heavier than me, much heavier, they bullied me. It had been a nightmare, but I just walked by and cried at home. Again I didn't tell anyone. I tried to calm myself with sweets and hiding at home. Things got worst when I got my period shortly before my 12th birthday. I hadn't been ready for it. My head and soul had been the one of a child. I still played with Barbie and My little Pony, with no moods for boys or anything womanly. My body no less turned quickly into a woman's body, but I refused to accept it, I didn't want to wear a bra and hid all female sanitary stuff way in the back of my cupboard. It had been a nightmare, I refused to wash and wanted to stay home, but I went to school, my daily nightmare. I will never forget the words my classmates whispered in my ear or screamed once they saw me. But I just smiled and turned away, for years. I felt in despair and thought about death a lot, especially when my relatives tried to encourage me to lose weight- now I know that was their intention, but the words weren't much nicer than the one's of my classmates. Food became a substitute for attention, as I turned away from my family. I remember it like yesterday, that several times I tried to run from home, not because they talked with me about my weight, but because I felt like they don't love me, and that they are better off without me, or because I couldn't stand the anger. It wasn't big, my mother had been tired from work and had problems with my sister or brother. Many times I thought about walking to her, speaking 'Mom, school is a nightmare' or 'Dad, you are hurting me when you are calling me names'- but I couldn't, I curled up in my bed, reading, smuggling sweets or playing with my toys. At a certain time I started stealing from my parents and my grandmother to buy toys and sweets. After a while I got caught- they didn't even said much, I just had to promise never to do it again- that was all. 

My life started to change when I started riding. My first experience with riding had been through a school project called 'Horse & Rider' in 7th grade. The horses gave me all that I was missing, I could love and were loved. As I soon turned to be a fairly good rider, I was a natural, nobody ever teased me there- that was home and I stayed there every free minute. My life began to change, especially as many of my mean classmates had to repeat a year. After 9th grade I went to a clinic for six weeks, these six weeks changed me to the core. For the first time I felt the same with other girls and started to get more teenage interests and to accept me of having a womanly body. I started to wear bras, I even experimented with make up and had fun with my girlfriends. I lost a lot of weight there and the time afterwards, so when back at school, in 10th grade, the final year of middle school, I had been accepted by almost everyone in my class. The nightmare had been over, but the scars were still deeply curved in my inner self. On the outside everything looked fine, but the inside still were a deep, open wound. 

The year I turned to high school, to the Gymnasium, had been the best idea ever. These 4 years at that school had been the best school time in my life. Nobody bullied me, I finally could learn as much as I wanted, not being stopped by being only in middle school. I changed riding to western style and there I met the love of my life, the one I loved most so far. She had been just as lonely as I am, I loved her with all my soul and heart and she was giving everything back. No words can describe how much I loved that horse, that blackish-brown mare with the kindest eyes I ever saw- my Dolamia. She had been a Danish Warmblood, and we loved each other to the core. I once read that once every million a human and a horse share a bond so close that they are one in every detail. I had that love, that bond with her. She saved me in any way a horse can save a human. She gave me more than love, more than devotion, she was everything I ever wanted in my life. All the sad thoughts of not being loved, not being what society wants of me, disappeared, I stopped hurting myself with scissors and biting just because of her. She was my everything and even though this had been a long time ago, it still hurts of talking or writing of her. I lost her due to the fact, that she wasn't mine and we didn't have the money of keeping a horse. The day I lost her, had been most grievous of all. I cried for hours and then I turned silent and never spoke of her, unless asked, and when asked all I could do was and is crying. My sister talked about her over a year after she had been brought away, while we were visiting our aunt and eating in a restaurant, all I could do were crying and my sister looked at me, touched and feeling guilty, I remember her words like it had been yesterday 'After all this time it still make you cry?'

Yes the lost of her threw me into a black pit, my marks went down at school, especially after our beloved bird died out of the sudden, my Jerry, and I gained a lot of weight- and never went to a stable again, and will not until I have enough money to buy the horse, I love. The loss of Dolamia had been parallel to the marriage of my aunt, my mother's sister, she had been a lot older than my Mum, living alone after the death of my grandmother, when I had been 9. She was more the person I could talk to than my mother, more grandmother than aunt. I spent a lot of time at her place during holidays and weekends. I could be myself when being with 'Tuta'- that's what we called her. (Her name had been Gertrud- the adults called her Trudchen and we children Tuta). I had so much fun and freedom when being at her place. But one day she decided to get married and moved 500km away- my mother recently said to me- 'You lost your attachment figure when she moved away and I wasn't able to replace her:'
I visited her, but as her husband had been horrible, we didn't get along as he called me satanist (because I read Harry Potter) and he didn't like girls, who speak up towards men- in his eyes I had been worthless, just the second girl- as to many other relatives of my family. But until then Tuta were always on my side, but she didn't speak up to him, just when we were alone.(she was born 1928- so maybe that explains it) I didn't realize it at that time, but now I know that I felt betrayed by her due to that and the fact that she never again spent the holidays, especially Christmas at our place again, like she had promised every time. We never spoke to each other that close like during the time before. She died in 2009, just when I returned home from my first Japan trip, cancer, and I'm very happy that soon after I returned in February we talked on the phone once more. I didn't want to, as I wasn`t in the mood, but I gave in and now I`m so glad I did, as that had been the last time I ever talked to her. She died 2months later.  What really had touched me were the fact that after she died, she visited me one night to say goodbye- as did my Dolamia, they both died the same year- or at least so I think afters these spiritual meetings, they both were saying farewell.- But well I`m running to much forward. In my next entry I will talk about the times in between. Maybe you won't read it or hate my after reading, but I figured that I need to write all these things down, it's not enough just to talk about it with my therapist- and well maybe it helps some people to understand why most of the overweight people are that size.